For a guy who supposedly says what he means and doesn’t speak in politically correct platitudes, Donald Trump and his surrogates sure seem to spend a lot of time each day explaining what he meant — even as he says his statement was clear and obviously could have only one meaning, and not the meaning that everyone took from his statement.

Trump and his crew assert that the media “distort” his words, but let’s face it, even his actual exact words rarely convey the  meaning he claims he intended in ordinary English.  This goes beyond the “dog whistle” words–those that mean one thing in the real world, but something totally different to his rabid, alt-right followers (“Law & Order” = “Keep the non-whites down!”). 

Trump is like a full-on Lewis Carroll version of Humpty Dumpty (“When I use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean—neither more nor less. “).  Just as scholars deciphered Jabberwocky, we have analyzed hundreds of Trump speeches with sophisticated computer programs utilizing regression analysis (Talk about regression to the mean!).  Lest you be as bewildered as poor Alice in Wonderland over the seeming nonsense and gobbledygook that erupts from Trump’s mouth, here is the Trump-English Translator that provides a high degree of confidence in what Trump actually means when he uses the following phrases:

Political correctness has gone too far means I don’t agree with leftist political correctness.  I will, however, strictly toe the line on right-wing orthodoxy (2nd Amendment, abortion, etc.)

I am not a racist – OK, I’m a racist, but there are a lot of racist voters out there, and they deserve to be heard and represented, too!

Crooked Hillary refuses to say “radical Islam”!  means I forgot what I was gonna say next, but this line always gets a good reaction, and I can pick up with something else once the crowd quiets down again.

I will be inclusive and bring all Americans together – just look at how inclusive and welcoming my rallies are to non-whites.

I always tell the truth means on those rare occasions when it benefits me.

I am very, very intelligent, very smart. If I say it often enough, maybe you or I will actually believe it. Can also be used as a comma or filler till I find my place again.  By the way, how many actually brilliant people have to keep saying how smart they are?  Think Einstein did it?  Edison?  Of course not.

Look at this crowd. What a great crowd!  What poor, gullible fools.

Our leaders are not very intelligent, folks. I disagree with our leaders.

I don’t like to insult anyone. I gotta throw a laugh line in there every so often!

Losers – people who disagree with me.

A great guy – someone who agrees with me or kisses my ass — preferably both, then he’s “a great, great guy”

Get him outta here!  Rough him up a bit!  Arrest him/ruin his life!  How dare he have the temerity to disagree with me, much less challenge me!

I am a very smart, successful businessman – when my deals go south, I bail out early and leave investors, lenders, contractors, and workers holding the bag!

Crooked Hillary lost 30K emails. Thank God I am a private citizen and control my companies’ emails so I could destroy them with no consequences.  If I say the things I do in public, just imagine what I say in private!

I nevah said that!! I don’t think there’s a recording of me saying that; can also mean I only intended that to be heard by a specific, limited audience, not the general public.

My words were distorted by the media. I wish I hadn’t said that — or at least that it hadn’t gone public!

I will build the Wall/make Mexico pay/end all crime/make our streets safe/bring back jobs – Wouldn’t it be amazing if this actually happened?  I have no clue how to do it, but it would be great, wouldn’t it?

I will be the greatest jobs president and turn this economy around.  For me!

My guideposts are Tell the Truth, Be accountable, Admit when you’ve done something wrong.  Hahahahahahahahaha!