Many people, after observing Donald Trump on the Campaign Trail and via his Tweets, have been saying that he needs to seek professional help.  As usual, he is several steps ahead of everyone else. (He is very intelligent, in case you haven’t heard.  Very, very intelligent. Unlike our current leadership.  And that of our allies.  And anyone who is not aboard the Trump Train (Has anyone else noticed that “Trump Train” sounds a lot like “Chump Change”?))  Here are transcripts of his meetings with his lawyer and his doctor:

I Need a Lawyer

Donald Trump has a stable of lawyers he employs directly, on retainer, or on a case by case matter, such as when he needs to send someone on TV to deny the obvious. Michael Cohen is the Executive Vice President & Special Counsel to Donald J. Trump at The Trump Organization, and it was to him that Trump turned with his latest legal issue.

Trump: I have an FEC problem.

Cohen: Sez who?

Trump: A lot of politicians.

Cohen: What pols?

Trump: Most of them.  All of them.

Cohen: Sez who?

Trump: Look, here’s the problem.  When I was funding my campaign, I charged them $X rent for offices in Trump Tower.  When I started raising funds from outsiders, I jacked up the rate to $5X.

Cohen:  That’s a good business move.

Trump:  I thought so, too.  But the problem is, that the FEC has these bizarre rules about interactions between campaign finances and personal/corporate finances.

Cohen: So what’s the problem?

Trump: Because of the great disparity in rents.  Either the campaign was paying below market rent to Trump Towers when I was funding the campaign, and the subsidized rent was be an illegal campaign contribution, or I am paying too much rent to Trump Towers now, which is an illegal conversion of campaign funds to my personal funds.

Cohen:  Let’s say both rents were market rate.  The market moves in Trump Towers as it does in Epi-Pens.  A huge increase does not mean it is not market-based.  You had to move with the market.

Trump: Except I didn’t do it with any other space in the building.

Cohen:  What space?

Trump: Well other space we had.

Cohen:  What space?  Do you see what I am doing?  Are you personally aware of any other space in the building that was leased out at that same exact time?  I don’t think so.

Trump: I see.

Cohen:  And I wouldn’t strain myself trying to find out.

Trump: OK.

Cohen:  Market rate for Trump Towers goes up and down like a yo-yo, based on every rally, tweet, or headline you have.  How can you possibly keep track of it?

Trump: All right.  Let’s go with that. But is there any PR problem with the fact that I either made a bad deal for Trump Towers on the initial rental rate or a bad deal for the campaign on the later rental rate?  I wouldn’t want people to say that the campaign or Trump Organization had a not-very-intelligent person at the top.

Cohen:  There would be a problem with both, if one was below market and the other was above market.  But that’s not the case, remember.  Both are market rate.

Trump: Oh yeah.

Cohen:  So both were fair and reasonable deals.

Trump: Just like all of my policy positions.

Cohen: Exactly.

 The Spin Doctor and the Doctored Letter

Donald Trump’s doctor, Jacob Bornstein, created quite a stir this week, when he said that he wrote the brief letter he had issued concerning the candidate’s health in 5 minutes, while a Trump car waited downstairs.  While it is true that Trump’s limo and driver waited outside the building, what the doctor failed to mention was that Trump himself had come up to the doctor’s office and was helping him prepare the letter. This helps explain why the letter sounds more like a Trump press release or speech than a medical professional’s objective assessment of the man’s health.  Here is how the creative process went.

Dr. Bornstein: Good afternoon, Donnie.  To what do I owe this pleasure?

Trump: I’m being pressed to release my medical records, Doc, and I don’t want to do it.

Dr. Bornstein:  OK.  Then I won’t release them.

Trump: But I need to issue something short, that says I’m really healthy.  Can you do that?

Dr. Bornstein: Certainly. First I’ll say your test results were all in the normal range.

Trump: Too pedestrian, Doc.  I can’t be ordinary. I’m extraordinary.

Dr. Bornstein: How about saying your results were excellent?

Trump: That’s better, but a lot of people list their health as excellent.

Dr. Bornstein: But that is really very good.

Trump: I need something eye-popping.  How about “astonishingly excellent”

Dr. Bornstein: That seems a bit overboard, Donnie.  Why would it be astonishingly?

Trump: Well, a 70 year old guy . . .

Dr. Bornstein:. . . who doesn’t get much exercise . . .

Trump: I always thought you were saying I needed to get more “extra sides” — which I did, every time I ordered KFC or a Big Mac.

Dr. Bornstein: That is a very strained interpretation.

Trump: Must have been a bad earpiece.  My hearing is excellent.

Dr. Bornstein: Where were we?

Trump:  You said I don’t get exercise, and then you reminded me, I’m always eating fast food or premium steaks

Dr. Bornstein: OK, I can see that it is somewhat astonishing that you would have good results.  I can throw that in. But let me just throw a figure in there so it looks more official, like your blood pressure.  Here, let me just take it.

Trump: What’s a great score?

Dr. Bornstein: Anything between 100 and 130 over anywhere from 60 to 75.

Trump: How about 110 over 65?

Dr. Bornstein: That would, indeed be excellent.

Trump: Good, put that in.

Dr. Bornstein: But I haven’t checked your records or taken it again.

Trump: Don’t worry about it.  You’re not saying when it was that low.  I’m sure it’s that good when I’m sleeping.

Trump: And then say, “Mr Trump could not be healthier.”

Dr. Bornstein: Well, in truth, Donnie, you could stand to drop 30 pounds.

Trump: So say that I did — then I couldn’t be healthier!

Dr. Bornstein: I can’t lie like that, Donnie.

Trump: How about just saying I dropped 15 pounds recently.

Dr. Bornstein: OK.  I can do that.  Let’s just say in the last year you lost 15 pounds.

Trump: AT LEAST 15 pounds.

Dr. Bornstein: Alright, Donnie.  Ever the negotiator, aren’t you?

Trump: The best.  Have you ever read The Art of the Deal?

Dr. Bornstein: No.

Trump: Well, here, I’ll give you a copy.

Dr. Bornstein: Oh, you’ve given me several.

Trump: Well, you should read it then.  Back to business.  Where were we?

Dr. Bornstein: OK.  Your PSA is actually quite good 0.15.

Trump: Is that a public service announcement?

Dr. Bornstein: It’s a prostate test.

Trump: It’s funny you say that — you remind me of that TV doc for ZBS Cares who says he has done “Nine thousand twenty-one and a half prostate exams.”

Dr. Bornstein: I get that a lot.

Trump: So we can say I got a great score.

Dr. Bornstein: “Result” — we don’t call them scores.

Trump: But test score sounds like more of an achievement.  Result sounds like it just sort of happened.

Dr. Bornstein: I don’t know.

Trump: C’mon, what’s the harm?

Dr. Bornstein: Oh, all right, Donnie.  I am glad we’re just dealing with a letter and not a construction deal.  I can see how you can wear the other side out.

Trump: It’s true, Doc.  I have extraordinary stamina.  Hey, can we just throw that in there?

Dr. Bornstein: Just saying stamina might sound like we’re talking about your sexual prowess

Trump: Which is extraordinary, by the way.

Dr. Bornstein: No doubt.  But I don’t want to look like I’m commenting on that.

Trump: OK, how about “strength and stamina.”?

Dr. Bornstein: Physical strength?

Trump: Sure.

Dr. Bornstein: OK, I can do that.

Trump: We need to end with a bang, Doc.  Something that’ll really knock their socks off.  I’ve learned this from my rallies and all those debates.  Leave them with something that just dazzles them.

Dr. Bornstein: How about, “Overall, Mr. Trump’s physical health is very impressive.”

Trump: Nice, but it doesn’t wow me.

Dr. Bornstein: He’s one of the healthiest men I have ever examined.

Trump: Yeah, but let’s face it, Doc, most of your patients in their 80’s and 90’s.

Dr. Bornstein: True.

Trump: How about, the country would be lucky to have someone as healthy as me as their president?

Dr. Bornstein: I don’t really want to speak for others.  I could say you would be among the healthiest presidents we’ve ever had.

Trump: No.  THE healthiest.

Dr. Bornstein: How would I know that?  I haven’t examined all of them. “Among” is good.  You are certainly healthier than FDR, and Harrison — the one who only lasted a month in office.  Even you are more svelte than Taft.  And Kennedy had terrible back problems and was dependent on painkillers.

Trump: I don’t like being “among” anything.  I have to be the best.

Dr. Bornstein: But how can I possibly back that up?

Trump: Well, the others are all dead or in their 90’s by now, except for Bill Clinton, and his heart problems are well documented.

Dr. Bornstein: I see your point. How about something like, “I believe Mr. Trump would be the healthiest person to serve as president.”

Trump: Believe is too weak

Dr. Bornstein: But that gives me an out.  You know, like you believed that judge was Mexican.

Trump: But here, I need something definitive.  Why can’t you just say unequivocally, I’d be the healthiest president ever.

Dr. Bornstein: I don’t know, Donnie.

Trump: Too late, I’ve typed it up!  Here, sign it.

Doc signs, then glances at the letter as Trump tries to grab it out of his hand.

Dr. Bornstein: Donnie!  You said “ever elected to the presidency.”!

Trump: Yeah, so . . .?

Dr. Bornstein: Well the others weren’t dead or in their 90s when they were elected!

Trump: Details, details.  Don’t worry about it Doc.  Nobody will even give this a second thought.

Dr. Bornstein: Donnie–

Trump: –Look Doc, I gotta run,

Dr. Bornstein: But Donnie, I was hoping you’d have time to take a look at the time machine I’m building

Trump: Sorry, Doc, I gotta fly.  My car is double-parked at the building entrance downstairs.

Doc looks out the window.

Dr. Bornstein: Then you walked right by it.  My time machine is parked right at the curb.  Didn’t you see the DeLorean?