Succession and Ted Lasso are both set to have their series finales next week. There’s a lot of speculation as to how each of the shows will wrap things up. It actually makes the most sense for them to combine forces for a glorious grand finale, wherein:

Roman Holiday

Roman Roy attempts to buy AFC Richmond from Rebecca so he can win championships with that round kicky thingy like Matsson.

Ted: “By the way, you gonna rename the stadium The Roman Colisseum? Wouldn’t blame you if you did.”

Roman: “That’s not half bad. Naming rights can be pretty lucrative – but I suppose could always buy them myself.”

Ted: “Or maybe you could find a Roman Candle company to buy the stadium naming rights. That’s a win-win right there – and free pyrotechnics whenever the Greyhounds score a goal!”

Roman and Ted have a heartfelt discussion of what it’s like to lose your dad suddenly. But Roman truly finds peace when Roy Kent comes in and tells Roman to “FLICK OFF!!”

When Roman finds out that Kent’s first name is Roy, he thinks “that’s it!”

That’s the sign that his father is not truly gone forever, but that Logan’s spirit lives on.

Ted asks Roman: “You’re a member of The Roy Family? Is that like the Royal Family, only shorter?  No offense.”

But Roman is busy admiring Rebecca’s knockers and says, “You could put somebody’s eye out with one of those – I mean, they’re right at eye level!”

“Only for you,” Rebecca retorts, looking down on him.

“So then you’re saying it’s OK if I send you dick pics after we consummate our deal?”

Coach Beard smooths things over by taking Roman out for a nocturnal “Debauched Experiences of London” tour.

Baby Daddy

Shiv decides that Tom Wambsgans is not fit to be a father, and when she visits Roman in London, she meets Ted, who she thinks will be an ideal role model for her as-yet unborn baby. Ted & Shiv have a poignant conversation consisting entirely of:

“Ungh.”

“Ya.”

“Ungh.’

“Ya.”

“Ungh.”

“Ya.”

“Ungh.”

After meeting her, Ted says to Coach Beard, “A lot of people say that Shiv L. Roy is dead — But I told you it’s not – and here she is, right here. Alive and kicking.”

“And backstabbing!” Roman mutters.

“Now wait a minute. Hold on,” Ted insists. “You call your sister ‘Shiv’ —  but then you’re shocked when she stabs you in the back?? Come on now. You didn’t you see that coming?? It was right there in front of you! Well, except, of course, it was behind your back. But still . . .  you know what I mean.”

West Ham Awry

Kendall goes to London to visit Roman, and he catches football fever and wants to outdo Matsson, too. He decides that Rupert is getting soft and there needs to be a real heavyweight sonofabitch in the league, so he sets out to buy West Ham from him.

This pits him against Tom Wambsgans, who tries to attach himself to Rupert as an a-hole father figure who treats him like sh*t but still seems to give him a role in the organization – just like Logan.

Tom tries to woo Rebecca so that he can have torn loyalties between Rupert and her, like he did with Logan and Shiv. Tom tells Rebecca that he can give her a baby because she’s got super seed that can penetrate even the most impenetrable barriers, like Shiv.

Tom is relieved to be able to drop his fake American accent and slip comfortably back into his natural British way of speech which sounds vaguely like a character in a Jane Austen movie.

Ted asks Tom, “What kind of name Wambsgans, anyway? Is that like a womb scan? That thing that looked like a weather map back when I was born? My mom showed me a photo and I said ‘That looks like a warm front coming in,’ and she said, ‘No, — that was you, silly.’ But now they’ve gotten so good, you can see little arms and legs and even tell if it’s a boy. What’s that word I’m looking for, Coach?

Coach Beard: “Sonogram. Or you may be thinking of the process which produces the sonogram picture, which is ‘ultrasound.’”

Awkward and Upward

Nate and Cousin Greg have an “Awkward Off,” an informal competition of fumbling, bumbling, and stumbling. When Greg wins by being the biggest loser, Nate advises him to get a girlfriend. “That makes all the difference,” he claims.

“I think I’d like to have a girlfriend,” Greg responds. “Could I, perhaps, have yours? She seems nice,” thus confirming that Cousin Greg is, in fact, the most awkward.

Royal Flush

Connor enters the race to succeed Charles III as King of England, believing that “there’s a real yearning for fresh ideas from across the pond.”

New News

Matsson hires Ted as his American CEO and changes the company name to Waystar Lasso. Ted hires Keeley Jones as chief news reader, based on her hotel infomercial experience.

ATN (All Ted Now) pivots from the cynical Roy F amily power-hungry, money-grubbing approach of stirring controversy and dissension for ratings to Ted’s uplifting, optimistic approach to presenting the news, reflecting his desire to find and promote the best in people. It is a welcome relief from the Roy’s entrenched view that they and humanity have no redeeming qualities.

Tart Retort

Jamie Tartt tries to convince Kendall Roy that you can experience personal growth and move beyond what your father thinks you are.

Kendall responds, “I don’t know man. . . . I think we are what we are, you know? . . . I mean . . . we are our father’s sons, and we’re never gonna get past that, ya?”