Roger Stone has confirmed Madison Cawthorn’s revelations that Republicans in D.C. have indulged in wild orgies, which leads people to wonder “who exactly is doing what to whom?” The Russian Kompromat tapes have yet to be released, but a list of leadership positions has leaked.

Officers in Charge of Compliance and Health Protocols: Lauren Boebert & Marjorie Taylor Greene

Lookout: Gym Jordan

Fluffer: Mo Brooks

Fisters: Josh Hawley, Trump

Recruiters of “Fresh” Participants: Matt Gaetz, Boebert’s Husband, Lindsey Graham

Walk of Shame Leader: Marsha Blackburn

Themed Arrangement of Soft Drinks (Cans of Coke): Clarence Thomas

Nose Powdering Booth (Lines of Coke): Donald Trump Jr.

Beer: Brett Kavanaugh

Official Venue and Caterer: Trump International Hotels and Resorts

Official Pillow Supplier: MyPillow – Mike Lindell

Activities Directors: Roger Stone and Paul Manafort

Arbiter of Whether You are Currently with a Man or Woman: Madison Cawthorn

Advocates if a Participant Wants a Do-Over: Donald Trump, Ginni Thomas, Jenna Ellis, Rudy Giuliani, Sydney Powell

Neighbor Relations: Rand Paul

Closing Time. Party’s Over When This Guy Shows Up