A recent survey by Bright Line Watch/YouGov revealed surprising results that a large percentage Americans would be fine with their state seceding from the Union. A majority of Republicans favored this, especially in the South (Surprise!) where 66% supported secession. Nothing says you’re a real American patriot than saying you want to split off from America!

More unexpectedly, 47% of Democrats in the Pacific region and 39% in the Northeast were also supportive. And overall, 37% of Americans were OK with seceding. No details were given on how secession would actually work, so here, as a public service, is a Modest Proposal on how it could be done.

While there are, of course, many complications, given that there are Democrats living in Republican states, and vice versa, any rough cut would assume that Texas and Florida would lead the Covid States of America (which could use leftover C.S.A. memorabilia from the Confederate States of America they so revere).

The CSA can establish a sovereign petri dish of a nation for COVID variants, unfettered by mask mandates, vaccine requirements, and lockdowns. A cottage industry will arise in “My Parents Knew Best” gravestones for children. “I did my own research” will make any response acceptable on tests and projects in any course at State universities, regardless of whether it bears any relationship to reality. Populism will reign free as everybody is declared to be an expert!

Alabama and Mississippi would join the CSA, as would Missouri, Indiana, Iowa, and the Dakotas (but how generous would the CSA be with representation from the sparsely populated Dakotas? Would they get 4 Senators in the new regime – especially if they’re not needed as a check against “wild-eyed liberal socialists”?).

In fact, how would representation in the national legislature be allocated – or would they dispense with the legislature entirely and just go straight to a fascist dictatorship?  For all their talk of freedom from tyranny, the Republican Red States do enthusiastically embrace Trump’s fascist tendencies.

All of these issues could be considered and debated by the great minds of our time. The COVID Constitutional Convention would be universally regarded as a beacon of reason and innovation, led by such great thinkers as Cruz, Abbott, Gohmert, Ronny Jackson, DeSantis, Rick Scott, Rubio, Gaetz & Hawley. Clearly they are the modern equivalent of Washington, Jefferson, Adams, Madison, Franklin, etc. — the titans who made history as America’s Founding Fathers.  

The USA would retain New England, the Middle Atlantic states (including New York), down through Virginia, out through Michigan, Illinois, Minnesota and, ultimately, of course, California.

The ruggedly independent Midwest farm/ranch states would join the CSA. They may be shocked when they realize the federal farm supports and grazing lands on which they depend will no longer be available to them. Federal lands will still be controlled by the U.S. government.  The new CSA, whose citizens were such fans of Guantanamo, will be able to experience first-hand what it is like to have a hostile U.S. military base in their territory. Oh well, at least they’ll have their freedoms and not be constrained by bureaucrats in Washington, D.C.

Also suffering a rude awakening will be have-not states like Kentucky and W. Virginia — whose Senators wield inordinate power now — when they find out nobody wants them! Mitch McConnell can have fun railing about how Kentucky taxpayers had to subsidize New Yorkers – only to “discover” that it was actually the other way around. Oops! Have fun balancing your budget now! Maybe Mitch will become the leader of the legislature of the Sovereign Nation of Kentucky – unless its citizens decide he’s of no use to them if he no longer wields power outside of Kentucky’s boundaries.

Speaking of West Virginia, some parts of states may split off, and/or join others. Eastern Washington State resembles Idaho more than far-left-on-the-map Seattle. Rural parts of Pennsylvania may join with Gym Jordan’s gerrymandered district to form a responsibility free O-Penn region. And some cities may not want to go the way of the State they are currently embedded in. Charleston, S.C. and Austin TX come to mind. They could be the American equivalent of West Berlin.

In an ironic twist, the remaining United States will take swift and effective action to secure its southern border against the rebellious CSA. And the CSA itself will be positively orgasmic at the prospect of being able to seal off its southern border the way its governors have been demanding, without interference by the USA’s federal government. In fact, the CSA will create its own federal government exactly as it wants, a pushover for the states that plays no role in regulating corporations or protecting civil rights of women or minorities, and doesn’t promote education, justice or healthcare for its citizens.

Of course, the fate of some states is difficult to predict, as they are in the midst of transitioning. Which way will they decide to go? Georgia seems to be turning blue, Arizona may be, and Wisconsin, who knows?  There are many questions and unknowns.  What is known, however, is the big winner in any such break-up of the United States would Vladimir Putin. He would love nothing more than to see the USA become the Yugoslavia of the 21^st Century – splintering into multiple weakened nation-states based on ethnic and ideological differences. America First!