Republicans face a dilemma. They stand for nothing. They’ve simply having prostrated themselves at the feet of the Former Guy, then strapped themselves to him as he prepares to plunge off another cliff. If the GOP wants to demonstrate the depth and breadth of the “talent” in their party – and make it appear that they are not just an echo chamber for Donald Trump – then they need a showcase for their other members.

Political conventions are a time to shine a light on different players, but the next national convention is 3 years way, and by then it will likely be too late. The answer is for them to hold the Republican A-Hole Olympics to highlight areas where they truly excel, through competitions loosely based on actual Olympic events. This will be a chance to demonstrate how many others besides Trump are able to carry the GOP banner of hate, fearmongering, and, above all, lies. Here are some of the more popular events and the leading competitors likely to capture the public’s imagination:

Bitch Volleyball – Marjorie Taylor Green and Lauren Boebert are clearly the top seeds. They’ve got lots of firepower and are able to rifle off shot after shot even before their opponents even know what hit them. Second team is Marsha Blackburn and Joni Ernst.

Weightlifting – Mental lightweight Matt Gaetz is surprisingly tough in this event. He’s been practicing the Snatch and the Clean & Jerk for years. His motto: “Two out of three ain’t bad!”

Gymnastics – A natural for “Gym” Jordan, who combines the “Gym” and the “Nasty” better than anybody else. The pint-sized partisan is also extremely flexible and can contort himself into unbelievable positions.

Uneven Parallel Bars – House and Senate Minority Leaders Kevin McCarthy and Mitch McConnell have mastered sophisticated techniques on the uneven bars, but all Republicans are adept on this apparatus, as it allows them to measure Democrats against a much higher bar than their Republican counterparts, in everything from sexual conduct, to integrity, to overall fitness for office. Republicans have become so skilled on the uneven bars that they have even gotten many major media outlets to follow along.

Handball – Lindsey Graham is a very skilled veteran – and definitely the man to beat.

Synchronized Lying – Republican Senators and Members of Congress are very proficient. They have learned the importance of coordinating their lies and idiotic positions; they have practiced and practiced until they can do so as effortlessly as breathing. In fact they often finish each other’s falsehoods!

Diving – The GOP fields a very deep team, which plummets to depths heretofore considered unfathomable.  A great combination of experience (Ted Cruz, Mitch McConnell, Ron Johnson, Jon Cornyn, Chuck Grassley, Louie Gohmert, Devin Nunes, Mo Brooks, Steve Scalise, Mike Lee) and newcomers (Josh Hawley, Rick Scott, Marco Rubio, Tom Cotton & Tommy Tuberville) will no doubt put on a plunging clinic.

Trialathalon – Paul Manafort, Steve Bannon & Roger Stone are veterans, but Matt Gaetz, Don Jr., Lindsey Graham and Donald Trump himself may soon find themselves a spot on the squad.

Bilking – Trump is the undisputed master, but the Republicans have others who have learned the cheap tricks of the trade in getting gullible goobers to open their wallets and purses to support lost causes.  Ted Cruz, Josh Hawley, Marjorie Taylor Greene, and Lauren Boebert have all raised incredible amounts, seemingly out of thin air. And don’t sleep on Susan Collins!

Trampoline (the Constitution) – Cruz, Hawley, and Cotton lead the way. These “Constitutional scholars” tout the benefits of “discerning” the “intent” of the “Founding Fathers,” which – SURPRISE – aligns perfectly with their own views!

Discuss Throw/Hammer Throw – This event consists of Republican talking heads bulldozing Chuck Todd on Meet the Press by diverting his attention from the question he asked and quickly pivoting to the GOP-approved talking points du jour and hammering him with them for the rest of the segment. Kevin McCarthy, Mitch McConnell, Dan Crenshaw, Johnson, Marsha Blackburn, Nikki Haley, Scalise, Elise Stefanik, and Cornyn excel in this event.

Bad Men Ten – Swatting shuttlecocks is such a routine practice for the GOP, the House and Senate can each field their own full teams. Senators: McConnell, Rick Scott, Rand Paul, Rubio, Ron Johnson, Mike Lee, Tom Cotton, Ted Cruz, Josh Hawley, and John Kennedy. House: Gosar, Gohmert, McCarthy, Scalise, Nunes, Brooks, Gaetz, Jordan, Lee Zeldin, Andy Biggs, Madison Crawford, and Ronny Jackson.

Archenemy – Marjorie Taylor Greene is the leading practitioner in this event.  She has taken the GOP obsession with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to a new level and has gone from mere critic to super stalker, putting a real bulls-eye on AOC’s back.

Marathon of BULLSHlT – Also known as the Republican side of floor debates and committee questioning of witnesses.  Gym Jordan always starts out fast and furious, but veterans like Cornyn, Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, and John Kennedy know how to pace themselves. Even relative newcomers like Josh Hawley and Tom Cotton have learned to maintain a steady, methodical flow of B.S. from start to finish.

Poll Vault – Hawley, Cruz, Rick Scott, Tim Scott, Josh Hawley, Mike Pompeo, Gov. Kristi Noem, Rubio, and Haley clearly need to work on their technique in this event, based on their performance in a recent Republican Presidential poll. For the second time this year, Hawley finds himself at Ground Zero.

Wrestling – Gym Jordan is the acknowledged master, and he cautions against being distracted by the matches on the mats, saying “The real action happens in the locker room!”