If you were starting a political party and were given the chance to select who you’d like to lead it to capture the imagination of the American public with innovative ideas to help make their lives better, would you select such dimwits as The Former Guy, Kevin McCarthy, Gym Jordan, Steve Scalise, Matt Gaetz, Ted Cruz, Lindsey Graham, Josh Hawley, Ron Johnson, etc. etc.??

Maybe potential candidates and office holders should be as thoroughly scouted and graded as NFL draft prospects in the recently completed 2021 NFL Draft. Here’s what Republican Party scouting reports would look like:

Kevin McCarthy — Slow, fumbles a lot, not powerful at all. But can be manipulated to be anything we need him to be.

Gym Jordan – Word around the league is he’s a divisive figure in the locker room. But very aggressive — like a vicious terrier chasing after a bone.

Matt Gaetz – Likes to surround himself with young talent so he looks better. Can do it all – political stunts, outrageous statements, outright lies. He’s a natural to be on Fox News. Modeled himself after the Last President.

Steve Scalise – Suffered a serious injury while playing, and many feared he’d never come back as strong. But he did. Absolutely no difference in his game. Unbelievable.

Trump – Once considered an innovative, ground-breaking threat, now is a hollow shell of himself, reduced to claiming the other side cheated and he got robbed by the refs.

Susan Collins – In a game where decisiveness counts – that’s not her strong suit. Though she often acts like she’s trying to play fair, she always comes through for The Team when the game is on the line.

Ted Cruz – There are some guys you can count on day in and day out. Whether he shows up or goes AWOL, you can always count on Cruz to do the wrong thing for the country and his constituents – and the right thing for The Team!

Josh Hawley – A real up & comer. A younger Cruz. Always on the wrong side of he issues. Attacks others unfairly, then acts like he’s the victim. A true proponent of the Big Lie, willing to say or do anything to promote himself, and The Team.

Lindsey Graham – Some had questioned his Team loyalty before, but Trump got something out of him that nobody else ever did – absolute fealty. He’s like a reformed hooker – a total zealot for the cause.

Tom Cotton – The Senate version of Gym Jordan, without (presumably) the locker room issues. Very combative. Can turn the most routine interaction into a confrontation. Always able to make something out of nothing.

Tommy Tuberville – Actually has experience with football players, scouts, and drafts — and doesn’t know anything else. Thought the three branches of government were the House, the Senate, and the Presidency. That’s like saying the three aspects of football are the Offensive Line, the Offensive Backfield, and Special Teams. In other words, he’s a perfect Team player – doesn’t think too much and knows how to follow orders.

Mitch McConnell – A cunning snake in the grass. Always willing to make an argument in favor of his offensive position – and then directly contradict it when he’s on the defensive side (See Garland/Coney Barrett trade). Hypocrisy is his stock in trade, and he is a master at it. A wily caporegime.

Ron Johnson – Gives Tuberville a run for the money in lowest Wonderlic score ever. Thinks being on the Red Team means Russia. That can be a plus for The Team.

Marco Rubio – Rivals McConnell in the Blatant Hypocrisy Department. Always quoting Bible verses, while never following any of them. He’s so fake, he could be a TV preacher – perfect for reaching our Evangelical base.