Reports from Mar-a-Lago indicate that Donald Trump wants to use his CPAC speech not just to attack the first month of President Biden’s Administration, but also to discuss Trump’s “many great accomplishments.” However, he is being advised by his aides not to do so. Trump stubbornly insists, so the compromise they have worked out is to make a quick summary in the style (but not necessarily the exact rhythm) of Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire” – quick lists, but no rambling Trump explanations/explorations of each one.  Here is the draft they have come up with:

Family Separation,

Aliens’ desperation

Stephen Miller, he’s my pillar,

Kids in Cages, Liberal rages,

Build the Wall,

Melania don’t care at all

Mexico won’t pay for it

Congress either, so I throw a fit,

And take Defense funds for da fence!

Charlottesville, tiki torches

Burning crosses still scorches

Rebel statues, white prides

Many fine people on both sides

Must save all the Monuments,

Don’t worry ‘bout Emoluments

The White House is a hovel

Uncle Vladi makes me grovel

Helsinki meeting, steal the notes

Later on, I’ll steal some votes

Putin puts me on a leash

I do his bidding, do you capisce?

Mark my words, as I betray the Kurds

Impeachment for Zerensky call

Hunter B’s behind it all! 

They said that I was derelict,

But my phone call was so perfect!

Trump Golf & Racket Club

No tennis, but here’s the rub

I golf and bill the feds to watch me!

So that’s a bigger racket, don’t you see?

Khashoggi, Prince MBS

Fake News on CBS

Bone saw, break the law.

Saudi weapons, gave them more

So they can fight the Yemen War

Mideast Peace, what a score

Treaties by countries not at war

G-7, NATO,

All our allies gotta go

Shove that sucker out the way.

TPP (but there’s no tape)

NAFTA, USMCA

Mine’s so much better any day

Stormy Daniels and the other one

Cohen fixed it now he’s gone.

Ass-kissing Lindsey Graham

Competes with Sean & Ingraham

Pack the courts with Moscow Mitch

Give tax cuts to the rich

Mike Pence was still my bitch

I tried to kill Obamacare

While admiring my perfect hair.

I get Kudos for each speech.

Ted Cruz is a manly leach 

History, her story, nothing beats my “Sir” story

My supporters are a mystery

Low class but they do love me

And we both like Hitler’s history

North Korea, Kim Jong Un

Fell in love,

Lovely letters from my dove.

Clear the park for photo ops

Hold the Bible but it flops

BLM Anarchists in the streets

Barr’s stormtroopers crack some heads,

Unmarked vans changed their plans,

Make them wish that they were dead.

Chinavirus goes away

If you bleach it every day

That damn Fauci, he won’t play

So where is Birx?

She’ll say it works!

And COVID deaths are not my fault

Election results changed in the night

Say I’m losing, that can’t be right

Sue in court

Ellis, Powell, and Lin Wood. 

Third rate lawyers are no good

Guiliani will fight for me.

Till I refuse to pay his fee.

Four Seasons, not that one

Rudy’s hair dye starts to run

I pardon Manafort and Stone,

For my sins I won’t atone

I’m screwing Maggie Haberman

She loves my whataboutism

I push for coal, still use gaslighting,

And that’s the stuff that she is writing!

Election stolen, call to Georgia

I conspire like a Borgia

Voter Fraud, bad machines

Check your notes, just find me votes

Nazis, Proud Boys stand back & stand by

On Electoral Day make a lot of noise

Treason in Election season

Capitol Insurrection

Trump career resurrection

Storm the Hill, thwart voters’ will

I’ll call Tommy Tuberville

Impeachment trial, mount defense,

Ignore my calls to hang Mike Pence

Of course I did it and they proved it

But Republican Cowards would not approve it!

The real victim here is me, you see

That’s why you should nominate me

In 2024, for four years more!