Trump is desperate for money when he leaves office.  Some have speculated that he will try to start his own TV network or will sell sensitive U.S. intelligence to foreign powers in exchange for hundreds of millions of dollars.  His old Apprentice producer, Mark Burnett, has a more benign approach, suggesting that Trump seek the assistance of experienced investors on Burnett’s current hit, Shark Tank.  Here is Trump’s pitch.

Trump: Hello, Sharks. My name is President Donald J. Trump and I am seeking $400 million for a 4% stake in my company, the Trump Organization.

Mr. Wonderful: That’s a valuation of $10 BILLION!! THAT’S INSANE!!

Trump: It’s easily worth two or four times that!!

Cuban: Let’s see your books.  I don’t think you’re really worth that much.

Trump: Sure, I’ll show them to you.  But you can’t show them to the American people, or the federal or state tax authorities. These are my “Loan Application” books – way different than my tax books!

Lori: What exactly is your product?

Trump: My name!

Robert: Your name??

Trump: Yes, it easily adds at least ten times value to any property or product.  Hotels, condos, resorts!

Cuban: Steaks?

Mr. Wonderful: A university?

Barbara: Casinos?

Lori: So what exactly are you selling this time?

Trump: It’s the greatest. The best! And by the way, Laurie, you’re a hot little number.  If my daughter Ivanka weren’t here, I’d definitely hit on you – but Ivanka may get jealous.

Robert: What are your sales?

Trump: Well, I just lost my biggest customer —

Cuban: Who was that?

Trump: The Secret Service. I used to charge them for everything — rooms, food, golf carts. But I can easily get more. And bigger and better than ever!

Barbara: Do you have a business plan?

Trump: I do. It’s a beautiful plan.  The best plan ever. I can make you money faster & cheaper with less risk than anybody else.

Cuban: Let’s see it.

Trump: I’ll show it to you after the election.

Mr. Wonderful: It is after the election.

Trump: I mean the 2024 election.

Barbara: Why would you want to run and lose again?

Trump: I didn’t lose.  I got robbed!

Barbara: Well I beat you out on a real estate deal in NYC, and while that was very satisfying, I know what you are like, so for that reason, I’m out.

Robert: How much of your own money is in this company?

Trump: Over a billion dollars.

Cuban: No way – you’re not really a billionaire!

Trump: I am too! And this big stack of blank papers proves it!

Cuban: I don’t believe in writing blank checks, so for that reason, I’m out.

Robert: What will you use the money for?

Trump: I’ve got some huge debt coming due, so I’ll use your money to pay it off.

Lori: I don’t see how I’ll ever get my money back, so for that reason, I’m out.

Robert: I agree with Laurie. I’m out.

Mr. Wonderful: Speaking of debt, I’ll give you half the money you’re looking for, but as debt, not equity.  I want 13% interest, and I want to be paid back in two years. And I want a 20% stake in your company.

Trump: Why would I want to do that?

Mr. Wonderful: Where else are you going to go?  Think of me as your new Deutsche Bank – but with more charm.

Trump: I got a lotta places I can go.  Russia, Saudi Arabia, China.

Mr. Wonderful: I don’t see any of them sitting here in the Tank.  If you think you can get money from them now that you’re no longer President, then good luck to you.  I’m out.