On the day after Lincoln’s birthday, it’s worth considering how the statements of our current President might be different if Trump had the integrity of Honest Abe. Here’s how it might sound:

To be honest, I was SHOCKED that I won the election.  All the polls had me losing, and it really was improbable, wasn’t it, that a rich, pampered son of wealthy parents, who had NEVER worked an honest day in his life, could have ANY hope of convincing working people that he was THEIR CHAMPION against the ELITES?  I WAS the Elitist of the Elites!!  Have you SEEN my penthouse apartment?? Even Louis XIV would say it was OVER the TOP!!

And that tax bill – OF COURSE, it was just to give tax breaks to the super rich – not the Middle Class, like I claimed!  I almost gave it away, though, just before the Mid-terms, when I said I was going to enact a Middle Class Tax Cut JUST BEFORE THE ELECTION!!  Wouldn’t even need to make that claim if the first tax cut was REALLY for the Middle Class now, would I??  And then somehow, I “forgot” about this promise after the Mid-terms.

It is amazing that I was able to convince a bunch of white trash losers that Mexicans were responsible for their sorry lot in life!  I never thought the Hispanics were a DANGEROUS HORDE invading our country.  Hell, I employed TONS of them at my golf courses, and they had close access to MY FAMILY (except for Don, Jr. — they wouldn’t go NEAR him!!) and they even COOKED for me!!

When Putin first approached me about helping out my campaign, I thought it would be fun to stir things up and weaken Clinton as our incoming president.  I never expected – nor did he – that I would actually win!!  But I thought it was still worth doing — maybe I’d at least get my Trump Tower Moscow deal that I’d been pursuing for decades.

Putin really came through for me when I was on the ropes, when that Access Hollywood tape came out.  He’d already hacked the DNC/Podesta emails, and he LEANED on ASSANGE to begin releasing them immediately – to stem the damage from the Hollywood tape, but he kept PLENTY in reserve in case they were needed later in the campaign – and they WERE!!

Jared claimed he was a computer whiz at electioneering, but it was really Putin and Cambridge Analytica – pulled together by that unmade bed, Steve Bannon.

Stephen Miller is really creepy, but he keeps feeding red meat to my base, so I keep him around.

OF COURSE, Mexico was NEVER going to pay for the wall, but it was a fun call & response bit to use at my rallies, wasn’t it?  And we didn’t really need a Wall, anyway, since border crossings and crime were already way down.