“Vice” President Mike Pence declared, rather modestly, that he’d like to remind Georgia Democratic gubernatorial candidate Stacey Abrams, Will Ferrell and Oprah Winfrey that “I’m kind of a Big Deal, Myself.” When asked to detail how, exactly, he was a Big Deal, Pence provided the following information:

“I put the ‘GOOBER’ in “Gubernatorial Race’!”

“I’m Paul Manafort’s PERSONAL PICK for Vice President!! (Ever wonder why?? DON’T ASK!!)”

“I KNOW Gay Conversion Therapy WORKS – just ask ‘Mother’!!”

“I have COMPROMISED EVERY Christian Value I held in order to become VP to a man who REPUDIATES EVERY Christian Virtue!!’

“I PERSONALLY am RESPONSIBLE for an HIV EPIDEMIC in Indiana because of my stubborn opposition to testing and proven programs to prevent the spread of disease!”  

“I resemble a KILLER BOND VILLAIN in From Russia with Love!”

“I play a MEAN GAME of ‘Mother May I?’”