Reports are circulating that Trump “fixer” and part-time attorney Michael Cohen recorded his phone calls with various people, including Keith Davidson, the lawyer for Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal relating to the payoffs to keep them quiet. These reports have naturally sent into a panic anyone who’s had a phone conversation about sketchy subjects.  And given that it’s Michael Cohen, it’s hard to believe that any discussion with him was not sketchy in some way or another.  Here are excerpts from a few of the conversations that show up in the treasure trove of records the FBI now has.

Cohen & Stormy Daniels’ Attorney Keith Davidson,

Cohen: “Here’s a little lullaby to pass along to your client: ‘Hush little Stormy, don’t you cry, Donald’s gonna buy your silence rights. And if you still want to sing, Donald will send someone menacing!’”

Cohen & Karen McDougal’s Attorney, Keith Davidson

Cohen: “Keith, I assume we can just adopt the usual terms and conditions, right?”

Davidson: “We might have to do a Catch & Release with this one.  She wants to be a writer and wants a deal with the Nat Enquirer family.”

Cohen: “Oh, a bimbo with a brain, huh?  Those are the worst kind.  I hate’em.  We can still use the same basic agreement, though. I just emailed it to you. Do you have it?”

Davidson: “Yeah. Hey, this is exactly the same! How many of these have you done?”

Cohen: “A ton.  For decades.  Back when we didn’t have word processing, it was a LOT easier just to Xerox them and fill in the blanks instead of typing a whole new document.”

Davidson: “You even use the same aliases.  Why does he always use ‘Peggy Peterson’ or ‘PP’ for the woman?”

Cohen: “I’m not sure.  He has some sort of thing for women and pee pee.”

Davidson: “And ‘David Dennison’ or ‘DD’ for Trump?”

Cohen: “He likes women with double D’s too!”

Cohen and his Daughter

Daughter: “Daddy, what do you do at work?”

Cohen: “I work for a VERY BAD man who does VERY BAD things, and I cover up those VERY BAD things so he can STAY OUT OF JAIL and do MORE very bad things.”

Daughter: “Oh, like a super villains’ henchman in Batman or #2 for Dr. Evil in Austin Powers!”

Cohen: “Yeah, something like that.”