Lost in the whirlwind of Presidential firings, lawyer threats & suit against a porn star, is that the White House has to prepare for actual diplomacy that relates to the small matter of the nuclear threat posed by North Korea and its lunatic leader, Kim Jong Un.  Key among the preparations is where to hold the unprecedented talks between President Trump and Kim. Here is the White House analysis of the leading options:

The Seychelles

Staff analysis: Wouldn’t need much prep to set this up. Apparently, you simply go there and people you want to meet with just happen to show up, at least according to Erik Prince.

Trump Comments: The name of these islands is pronounced “Sea Shells.”  Not many people know that.  She sells Seychelles by the seashore.

Hawaii

Staff analysis: Centrally located between North Korea and Washington D.C. Would not appear that either side was seeking a travel advantage.

Trump Comments: Good to have it neither on Korean nor U.S. soil.  Just an island out in the middle of the Pacific, that’s not under U.S. jurisdiction.

Vladivostok

Staff Analysis: It is in Russia, which is now considered to be a close ally of both North Korea and the United States, so neither side would have to travel to a “hostile” location.

Trump Comments: The city is named after Vladimir Putin – not many people know that. (WHY IS THERE NOT A DONALD CITY OR TRUMPTOWN IN THE U.S.??)  An added benefit is that there is GREAT PERSONAL ENTERTAINMENT provided by the hosts FREE OF CHARGE, in addition to an accurate recording of ALL meetings.

New Delhi

Staff Analysis: This is somewhat centrally located, and holding the summit in the world’s largest democracy would have great symbolic value in dealing with an insular dictatorship. The downside is that they do NOT allow anyone to serve or eat beef over there.

Trump Comments: How could any democracy be BIGGER than the United States?? AMERICA FIRST!!  But it doesn’t really matter, since I’m moving us away from being a DEMOCRACY, anyway!

Don Junior says the people over there are always happy & smiling – even the poor people, which is the way it should be here, too. Why can’t our poor people be happy? They just got a HUGE TAX BREAK!!

Will the Indian President be there?  It drives me crazy that singsong way he talks—just like the intro to Octopus’s Garden!

Also, I don’t like the fact that I can’t have a steak or a Big Mac over there.  We’d have to wrap the summit up pretty quickly, and we can’t have a ceremonial dinner. Or maybe I should do it and bring in some Trump Steaks I still have in the freezer and a dozen Big Macs.  It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve punctured some sacred cow!

Finally, although Don Jr. made some great real estate deals while he was over there, we won’t have a Trump Hotel or Golf Resort open in time to host the event.  You need to go back to the drawing board and bring me some options for hosting the summit at a Trump property.  Might as well make some money off of this meeting, so it’s worth doing regardless of how it comes out!