Fire and Fury, the incendiary book by Michael Wolff, confirms some old rumors and also provides new salacious insights into Trump’s White House.  From the book and other sources, we know that Trump likes to call old “friends” in the evening.  A new revelation is that he considers bedding his friends’ wives to be one of life’s great pleasures.  Sometimes he facilitated this by discussing his friends’ sex lives with them in his office, while their wives listened in on speakerphone, unbeknownst to the “friends.”  After this revelation, some of those night-time conversations took a different turn.

Call #1

Friend #1: Don, I’m worried about you and Melania.  We all saw the video of you and her in Saudi Arabia where she swatted your hand away like she was shooing away an annoying fly.

Trump: Ah, don’t worry, that was nothing.

Friend#1: And that expression on her face when you turned away from her at the Inauguration could peel the paint off your car’s fender.

Trump: Everything is fine.  Believe me!

Friend #1: Thing’s going OK in the old sack?

Trump: What are you calling an old sac?

Friend #1: Well, if there’s any trouble there, I’d be glad to lend a hand, or whatever . . .

Call #2      

Friend #2: So Donald, are you still tappin’ into that Slovenian motherlode?

Trump: What?

Friend #2: You know, still rollin’ in the hay with Melania.  Must be a thrill to do it all over the White House — where JFK used to cavort with Fiddle & Faddle, and maybe Marilyn Monroe.  Or where Bill Clinton got his PP & BJ in that little kitchenette by the Oval office.

Trump: Nah, we actually have separate bedrooms.  I like watching Hannity more.

Friend #2:  REALLY??

Trump: Yeah.

Friend #2: You know, some of the guys say that if they have a great idea for you and they can’t reach you, they call Melania to pass it along.  Could you give me her number, too?

Trump: Sure.

Friend #2: Hey, that’s great.  Now tell me, how’s Ivanka?

Trump & Pence in the Oval Office

Trump: Mike, how are you and your wife – it’s Karen, isn’t it — getting along?  You seem to be a little uptight all the time.  I wonder if you need the Missus to loosen you up a bit at night.

Pence:  I’m sure I don’t know what you mean, Mr. President.

Trump:  Quite frankly, Mike, I think you need to get laid.

Pence: But, Mr. President, you KNOW I believe sex is ONLY for procreation.  I have not had relations with Mother for decades.

Trump:  Is it because she’s gotten so old and unattractive?

Pence: Mr. President!!

Trump: It’s OK, Mike, it happens to the best of us.  Our wives get older and much less attractive than we deserve.  So do what Mnuchin & I do.  Trade’em in for a younger model – literally!

Pence:  I could never do that, Mr. President.

Trump: Why not, your wife traded her first husband in for you.  Surely you know what’s sauce for the goose . . .?

Pence:  I’m sure Mother and I will grow old together.

Trump: Well, I think she’s a step ahead of you there, pal.  So is this why you call her Mother—to resist the temptation to have sex with her?

Pence:  Well.

Trump:  Ivanka calls me Daddy, and that doesn’t diminish the temptation for me at all.

Pence: I don’t—

Trump: You know, Mike, gay men are VERY ATTACHED to their mothers.

Pence: Why I—

Trump:  You’re not gay, are you Mike?  You’re always with this anti-gay stuff.  Nine times out of ten, a guy who talks about that stuff all the time is a repressed gay man.

Pence: I don’t think so. I mean, I certainly hope not.

Trump: Well, think about it, Mike.  Maybe if you came out, it would relieve a lot of anxiety and you wouldn’t be so uptight.