President Trump used the occasion of the end of 2017 to reflect, as he often likes to do, on his “accomplishments” throughout the year.  Here’s what he’s come up with so far:

• Became, perhaps, the heaviest president in history — certainly at least since William Howard Taft! (Can’t be sure of who much I weigh, because I can’t see the numbers on the scale).
• Turned the public’s conception of real and FAKE NEWS on its head!
• Achieved the biggest Presidential landslide/mandate while finishing 3 million votes behind my opponent!
• Elevated Steve Doocey above the CIA as a source of intelligence.
•  Installed two press secretaries who are as willing & able to lie as regularly as me – and with Kellyanne Conway filling in the gaps, I have created a White House bullsh!t production line unparalleled in U.S. history!
• Gave huge tax cuts to needy rich people and corporations who were already reaping record profits from implementation of my tremendous economic program!
• Not one, not two, but three travel bans signed and challenged in court!
• Started a national conversation on sexual harassment issues!
• Invented a new word: covfefe!
• Managed to convince the public that I am both (1) anti-semitic/ pro-Nazi and a tool of Netanyahoo!
• Watched more TV than any other President – all the way back to Washington!
• Launched a campaign to preserve Confederate statues that were so important to my heritage and culture while growing up in Queens, NY!
• Made it safe to say Merry Christmas to my daughter & her husband, who I barely know (in case they are indicted)!