President Donald Trump has officially declared that the United States will not participate in the 2018 Winter Olympics in South Korea, in solidarity with his buddy Vladimir Putin’s Russia, which has been banned for widespread, blatant doping in the last Winter Games.  Now Trump and Putin have agreed on an Alternative Olympics in St. Petersburg (Russia) to give U.S. and Russian athletes an opportunity to compete at the same time the Olympics take place.  Here is a partial list of events they have agreed on:

—     Hammer Throw  Bring the hammer down by throwing opponents and disloyal teammates under the bus.

—   Bench Press Forcefully put the press on the bench so they’re sidelined from reporting on abnormalities/illegal activities in the Putin/Trump regime.

—     Biathalon Kill Shot The second phase of the bench press, this tests the athlete’s ability to chase and shoot down any press that escape from the bench

—     Curling Sweep In this off-shoot of curling, the emphasis is on sweeping, specifically sweeping scandals and improprieties under the rug.

—     Lying Press Though it sounds like another name for the bench press, this is actually a multi-skill event that requires competitors to select and execute the appropriate lie when asked uncomfortable questions by the press.

—     Podium or Polonium? Competitors must rapidly assess whether they can effectively deal with a particular reporter/issue through normal means, in the press room, or if more serious, and permanent, action is needed.

Note: All weightlifting events will be performed on Nautilus type equipment, as free weights, or Free Press, have been declared to be too dangerous for all involved.