Newt Gingrich has been splashed across TV screens and bookstore displays recently as a modern day Trumpsplainer.  It’s almost as if he is auditioning to be the President’s spokesman.  And with rumors swirling about Sean Spicer’s impending demise, why not?  As Bannon has quipped, “Newt’s already fat.”  He could serve as Trump’s bloated alter ego, sparring with reporters and confidently asserting that the President did not say exactly what he clearly did say.

Many were surprised when Spicer first took the job at how combative and aggressive he was.  There would be no such surprise with Gingrich.  By his very name, he advertises that he will be obnoxious.  For starters, he calls himself Newt, which is a lizard-like creature; many species are known to be highly venomous.

Shakespeare himself warns us that “eye of Newt” is an ingredient for a “charm of powerful trouble, like a hell-broth.”

Finally, “Gingrich” is clearly intended to evoke the Grinch, well known as “a mean one,” who’s “as cuddly as a cactus” and “as charming as an eel,” with a heart that’s “a dead tomato splotched with moldy purple spots” and “full of unwashed socks,” and a soul that is “an appalling dump heap” that’s “full of gunk.”   These are qualities that will serve Gingrich well as the Presidential spokesman.

There is one surprising aspect of Gingrich that will also serve him well as Trump’s press Secretary. Although he may seem, at first glance, to be whiter than white, Gingrich is actually much funkier than you’d expect; he was an early founder of the “Hip-hopcrisy” movement.  Notable examples include his advocacy and vote to impeach Bill Clinton for (1) lying about his affair under oath, while Gingrich himself was lying about his own affair with one of his mistresses (“But I wasn’t under oath!!”) and (2) obstruction of justice, although he now says the President, by definition, cannot obstruct justice.  (“That was completely different–Clinton was a Democrat, and Trump is not!”)

Finally, of course, Gingrich shows the requisite cold-blooded ruthlessness and hardness of heart for the job.  Few acts of calculated indifference are as inspiring as the famous deathbed divorce, where he served divorce papers on one of his wives to he could marry one of his mistresses.  Gingrich, never one to let a hair be unsplit, insists “She wasn’t dying. She was in the hospital with cancer, yes, but she wasn’t dying!”

The Washington press corps will rue the day they chased Spicer from the podium.