President Trump had to prepare to host the Chinese President Jinping Xi by himself, because his top foreign policy advisor, troubleshooter, and diplomat, Jared Kushner, was overseas.  The President studied another brash developer who hosted a Chinese gentleman at a golf club, Al Czervik.  The President greeted his guest and took him straight to the pro shop. 

“Hey Jinping, I got a Ping putter. Is that named after you and your family?  I love the sound it makes when I hit it: PING, just like the name.  Is that the same, with you?  If you clap your hands, do they go PING PING PING?

“Is Jinping like jumping?  I bet your favorite song is Jinping Jack Flash.

“And that’s a peculiar first name you got. XI.  It’s like a Roman numeral, which is pretty unusual for a Chinese.  You’re like John Paul II.  Are you Jinping the 11th?  That’s what XI means in Roman numerals, right.  I have trouble with the higher Roman numerals, like they use in the Super Bowl.  But I bet you have a lot of difficulty just saying “Super Bowl,” don’t you?  That’s gotta be a tough word for you to pronounce. Mar-a-Lago’s gotta be a mouthful for you as well.

“Did you see all the signs we put up between the airport and here in your honor, Ping?  They said PED XING.  Close enough, right?  They put them up near the crosswalks so cars would have to slow down or stop and everybody could read them.

“I’m an XXL myself, as we’ll find out when we go get you outfitted at the pro shop.  C’mon, I’ll bring you over there right now.  They can take care of you from head to toe — but not as well as those escorts I’ll start running in China soon, now that I’ve got the Trump trademark for’em.  Thanks very much for that!  In Western countries we’ll call them Trump Tramps, but we gotta think of something a little more classy for China, to appeal to your people’s sensibilities.

“Anyway, at the pro shop, I’ll tell’em they gotta take care of my pal Ping.  So do you pronounce your other name like See or Ex-ee?  And is Pi pronounced Pie or PEE?  I like pee.  Funny you have some people named Pee and they’re yellow.  You folks need to hydrate more.  Here, let me give you a Trump National Golf Course water bottle that you can take back home.

“Hey, fellas, fit out my friend Ping here with a whole golf outfit–pants, shirt, glove, shoes, even a hat.  You’ll look great, Ping!”

Later that evening, at dinner, Xi finally got a word in edgewise.

Xi: Mr. President, how did you start your most distinguished business career?

Trump: I received a small loan from my father, got into real estate, and then I amassed a fortune!

(Xi laughs

Trump (to translator): What in the world is he laughing at?

Xi: Sorry, before the translation, I thought you said you had a massive four chins!!  I can see it, if you turn a certain way.

Trump: Well, enough of this small talk, Ping–

Xi: Or not so small talk!

Trump: Let’s get down to the business at hand, eh Ping?

Xi: South China Sea?

Trump: Nah, don’t care.

Xi: Reining in North Korea?

Trump: No big deal

Xi: Currency manipulation?

Trump: No, I hear you don’t do that anymore.

Xi: That is true, not that we ever did. Stealing jobs from the U.S.?

Trump: Well, you’re getting warmer.  It would be good if I could announce a big investment in the U.S. by some of your big companies.

Xi: No problem.  How about a $10 billion investment over ten years?

Trump: How about $15 B over 5 years?

Xi: $12 B over 4 years?

Trump: Done.

Xi: Good.  Shall we adjourn?

Trump: Well, we still have the biggest issue to resolve.

Xi: I thought we covered everything.

Trump: Not quite.

Xi: I don’t understand.

Trump: Is your bank going to bail Jared out of 666 Fifth Avenue?

Xi: Ah, that.  We had an agreement on that, but we pulled it, to see how these talks went.

Trump: And?

Xi: They’ve gone very well, so I think we can put that $4 billion back in play.

Trump: THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!  Ivanka would never forgive me if I let you leave here without taking care of Jared.