President Donald J. Trump, growing increasingly frustrated and angry with the leaks sprouting from his administration like an inflatable raft riddled with buckshot, as well as the ineffectual representation his spokespersons provided his Administration, shook his staff up once again, and took time out from his busy tweet schedule to present his new spokesman.

Trump: My new guy is going to be great, he’s going to be tremendous, and he lives right around the corner from my Trump National Golf Course in Virginia, in Great Falls.  We’ll call him Trumpty Deputy.  He’s very good with words.  He won’t slip up.

Trumpty Deputy:  Exactly so. When I use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean — neither more nor less.

Trump: I’d like to see you guys in the press try to trip him up! (Trump begins to exit, waving goodbye)  Don’t take any crap from them, Deputy!

Trumpty Deputy:  Don’t worry sir. The question is, which is to be master — that’s all.  And I can tell you, it’s not going to be them!

(Trump gives thumbs up and leaves)

(The reporters murmur disapprovingly among themselves.)

Trumpty Deputy:  Don’t stand there chattering to yourself like that, but tell me your name and your business!

NY Times Reporter:  My name is Peter Baker, but —

Trumpty Deputy: It’s a stupid enough name! What does it mean? Do you bake peters? Does a baker peter out?

NY Times Reporter: Must a name mean something?

Trumpty Deputy: Of course it must.  My name means the position I hold. I am a Deputy to Trump — and a good handsome position it is, too. With a name like yours, you should be in a bakery rather than a press room.

CNN Reporter: Why do you stand out here all alone?

Trumpty Deputy: Why, because there’s nobody with me!  Did you think I didn’t know the answer to that? Ask another.

CNN Reporter: Don’t you think you’d be safer down here instead of up on that platform? It’s so very narrow!

Trumpty Deputy: What tremendously easy riddles you ask!  Of course I don’t think so!  Why, if ever I did fall off — which there’s no chance of — but If I did — If I did fall, the President has promised me — with his very own mouth — to — to —

CNN Reporter: To provide you with access to health insurance.  It will great, much better than Obamacare!

Trumpty Deputy:  Now I declare that’s too bad! You’ve been listening at doors — and behind trees — and down chimneys — or you couldn’t have known it!

CNN Reporter: I haven’t, indeed!  It’s in all the papers!

Trumpty Deputy:  Ah, well! They may write such things in the papers.  That’s what you call a History of America, that is. Now, take a good look at me! I’m one that has spoken to a President, I am: perhaps you’ll never see such another: and to show you I’m not proud, you may shake hands with me!  However, this conversation is going on a little too fast: let’s go back to the last remark but one.

Reporter:  I’m afraid I can’t quite remember it.

Trumpty Deputy:  In that case we start fresh, and it’s my turn to choose a subject —So here’s a question for you. How long did you say you’ve you been writing for the Times?

NY Times Reporter: Seven years and six months.

Trumpty Deputy:  Wrong!  Failing New York Times — you never said a word like it!

NY Times Reporter: I though you meant “How long have you been writing for the Times?”

Trumpty Deputy:  If I’d meant that, I’d have said it!

(After a minute of silence) Trumpty Deputy: They’ve a temper, some of them — particularly verbs, they’re the proudest — adjectives you can do anything with, but not verbs — however, I can manage the whole lot of them!  The President believes fully in a free press! That’s what I say!

CNN Reporter: Would you tell us, please, what that means?’

Trumpty Deputy:  Now you talk like a reasonable child. I meant that we’ve had enough of that subject, and it would be just as well if you’d mention what you mean to do next.

NY Times Reporter: That’s a great deal to make one word mean!

Trumpty Deputy:  When I make a word do a lot of work like that, I always pay it extra!

CNN Reporter: Better not let the President hear you paid them overtime.

NY Times Reporter: He hates overtime!

CNN Reporter: He even hates paying people full wages for work they’ve done!

Trumpty Deputy:  Ah, you should see’em come round me on Saturday night, to get their wages, you know.

Breitbart Reporter: You seem very clever at explaining words, sir. Would you kindly tell me the meaning of some provisions of The Constitution”?’

Trumpty Deputy:  Let’s hear it.  I can explain all the historical documents  that were ever invented — and a good many that haven’t been invented just yet.

Breitbart Reporter: How about this one, the Second Amendment: “A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”

Trumpty Deputy:  “A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State”  — you can just disregard that part.

Breitbart Reporter: That’ll do very well.  How about the First Amendment, dealing with freedom of the press and freedom of religion?

Trumpty Deputy:  You can disregard that entirely.  We do!  And it’s really not the First Amendment, if you asked about it second.  So the Second is really first, that is to say, paramount, and the so-called first is nothing at all.  Simple subtraction.  Two minus 1 is 1, so the Second is First.  And 1 minus 1 is 0 or nothing, so the so-called First is nothing.

Breitbart Reporter: I see it now.  That makes sense!

Trumpty Deputy:  That’s all. Good-bye.