President Donald Trump campaigned on bringing jobs back to the U.S.  And by jobs, he meant good old manufacturing jobs, not some fancy pants software jobs or consulting services, or golf course design or hotel management. REAL JOBS!

Many expressed skepticism over his ability to deliver on this promise, and dismissed his claims as general puffery or ridiculed his attempts to take credit for Carrier and Ford retaining/expanding jobs under his watch.  But Trump is dead serious about bringing jobs back to the U.S., and he interrupted one of Sean Spicer’s finely tuned press briefings to reveal some specific accomplishments.

Spicer: This President has created more jobs than any other President in the history of the world!!

Reporter #1: More than FDR and Obama after the economic calamities they inherited?

Trump (pushing Spicer aside): That’s right!  Even though I inherited the greatest economic mess known to man, I am the greatest jobs creator that God has ever created!

Reporter #2:  That seems a bit grandiose. What jobs have you created?

Trump: I’ll tell you what jobs I’ve created.  As anyone who has traveled to Mexico, the Caribbean, Latin America, Africa or Asia can tell you, the number one product hawked to tourists and business travelers all over the world is hand woven baskets and other things made out of straw.  And I’m bringing these high-paying jobs back here to the USA.

Reporter #3: Where, exactly?

Trump: To the great State of Montana. Helena Handbaskets are going to be the greatest.  Everyone’s going to want one, and everybody’s going to Helena Handbasket, believe me.

Reporter #4:  OK what else have you got?

Trump: Well, even though the State of California hasn’t been very nice to me and doesn’t really deserve anything, we’re going to bring back candy confections to the Monterrey Peninsula.

Reporter #4: What kind?

Trump: Caramel.  Everybody loves caramel, right?  So Carmel Candies will produce chocolate covered confections, and Carmel Apples, too.  It’ll be great.  And those apples are terrific if you’ve got a loose tooth — they’ll pull it right out.

Reporter #2:  Is that it?

Trump: Of course not, Dummy!!  There’s more!  I’m famous for building condos, right?  Well, we’re gonna change it up a little bit, and build condoms!   We’ll still build the biggest and classiest, but condoms instead of condos.

Reporter: In Manhattan?

Trump:  Of course not — in Intercourse, PA!  The Goodnight Rubber Company.  Our slogan is, “When you spend time with us, it’s a Good Night!!”  So that’s just a few examples.  We’re bringing manufacturing back to Make America Great Again!!  Thank you!

(Trump leaves the podium and Spicer comes back)

Reporter #1: Sean, is that all, or are there any more plants coming back?

Spicer:  Yes.  There’s one being build up in Orange, NJ, not too far from the President’s Bedminster Country Club.

Reporter #1: And what will they make?

Spicer: Orange-Goo-Tan, so you can look just like your President!  It comes in spray or  cream.  A lot of you have asked about Emoluments, and I can tell you that the emollients in these products are perfectly legal, and will help keep your skin moist and young looking!

Reporter #3: Sean, are these all Trump companies?  Are you using the White House to hawk the President’s products?

Spicer (slamming briefing book shut):  This press briefing is over.  PERIOD.  FULL STOP.  DONE.  FINITO.  I’LL SAY NO MORE!