“A lot of people are saying they know what I’m going to do my first day in office.  They don’t.  I do.  Only I do.  But now, I’m gonna let you have a peek at my to do list, the things I want to accomplish in my first day as President of the United States of America:”

Emblazon Everything with “President Donald J. Trump” — Towels, mugs, glasses, placemats, keychains, bottle openers, hats, sweaters, blazers, etc. Do it tastefully.  Very, very classy!  Have all of these items in place in the White House by the time I get back from the  Inaugural Parade.  Also, have replicas made and in stock for sale at the gift shop at the Trump International Hotel before the parade.

Fake Out and Embarrass Paul Ryan by Leaning in to Shake His Hand on the Inaugural Stand, but at the Last Minute, Jerk My Hand Away and Run my Fingers Through my Magnificent Leonine Mane.  Just like the Fonz!

Tell Melania That the Constitution Requires That the Swearing-In Bible be Held by a Natural-Born American Citizen.  So Ivanka has to hold it.

Give Greatest Inaugural Speech EVER!  Can’t reveal it all, but here’s one passage:  “I intend to be the President of all American Citizens — people of all colors: white, off-white, eggshell, cream, ivory, pearl, and coconut.  And all religions too:  Episcopal, Presbyterian, Baptist, Methodist.”  Truly inclusive.  People will be very, very pleased.

Get Regular Updates on Sale of Trump Merch via Text throughout the Parade Route.

Stop the Parade at Trump International Hotel. Get out of the limo and pose for photos with Melania and kids in front of the Hotel.  A fabulous way to get priceless publicity for free!!  Maybe stop and talk to a few guests who come out of the hotel for some great video moments.  Perhaps pull winner of “Donate $100 to Inaugural Committee and Win a Chance to Stay at Trump International” contest.

Require Surgeon General to Revise Height & Weight Charts so I can go back to being 6’2″ without being obese.

Issue Executive Order Repealing Cinco de Mayo as Federal Holiday.    Reminder to have Eric look into developing and marketing a salsa-flavored mayonnaise called Cinco de Mayo in the Southwest.

Finalize with Bannon the List of Adversaries to be Investigated by FBI, IRS, DEA, and CIA.  Have him deliver the lists to agency heads as soon as I am sworn in.

Revoke White House Press Credentials of CNN, NBC, MSNBC, CBS, NY Times, NY Daily News, and every other paper that did not endorse me or ran an article with anything negative about me.

Try to Persuade Melania to Stay Over at the White House for One Night at Least.  If she insists on going back to NY, ask Secret Service to show me the secret JFK tunnels and how to get mistresses in and out of the White House discreetly.

Repeal Obamacare and Replace with TrumpCare.  Identical legislation, much better name.  Avoids complications everyone warned me about.  Declare VICTORY!!!

Hold Inaugural Ball at Trump International – Should bring in lots of $$ with high end catering, premium rental for ballroom, and jacked up rates for overnight guests trying to curry favor with me!

Ban Stevie Wonder and his Muslim-Loving song, “My Sharia Law” from White House and all Inaugural events!