Many people are saying that Donald Trump’s endgame is not to win the presidency, but to start a new alt-right alternative news network to Fox News. This may well be true, but, as always, Trump is much more ambitious than that.  Reportedly he has stated that if “that moron who owns the Redskins” (Dan Snyder) can own a string of amusement parks (Six Flags), then Trump can do so too, although “much better, and much classier, of course.”

Sources within the Trump Organization have indicated that preliminary attractions under consideration for Trump World include the following:

The Pollercoaster – Like a rollercoaster, but the biggest ever built, with more ups and downs and twists and turns.  This one features slow rises and stomach-churning falls as you plummet to new depths in a matter of seconds. It is not for the faint of heart. One minute you’re way up on top, and the next minute you’re in virtual free-fall.

Funhouse Mirrors – See the world through Trump’s eyes: the vexing women who criticize you all look fat and dumpy (“Disgusting!”) through the magic of convex curved mirrors.  Conversely (or concavely?) the men enjoy the mirrors that elongate them to look taller and slimmer than they really are.  This is a big hit with Trump’s inner circle – Christie, Gingrich, Giuliani, and of course the boss himself!

Lazy River – Half of the parks visitors will really like this; you do no work — you just coast along on the efforts of others.

Water Slide – Exhilarating, swift, smooth ride down the slide — and then make a big splash in the media pool!

Trumpoline – bounce back from any fall or awkward position.  It automatically puts you back on your feet, soaring higher than ever.  Also facilitates flip flops with no consequences!

The Mouthtrap – The most dangerous rollercoaster.  Not the biggest, but definitely the most precarious.  It is very rickety and one false move could send you over the edge or cause the whole apparatus to collapse.

Campaign Chair Merry-Go-Round – Not your grandma’s lazy merry-go-round.  This one spins like a whirling dervish, flinging out one person after another.  Can you last on the hot seat longer than Lewandowski or more than Manafort?