Donald Trump received his first national security briefing today from officials from the CIA, DOD, DHS, State, and FBI.  Here is a transcript of part of that briefing:

Official: Mr. Trump, we’re here to give you your intelligence briefing.

Trump: OK.  We should set some ground rules first.  I’m very intelligent.  Do you know that?  Very, very intelligent.  I have a very high IQ.

Official:  We’ve heard you say that publicly, sir.

Trump: I’ve said it privately too.

Official: We haven’t had a chance to investigate and verify the veracity of that claim from other sources yet.

Trump: That’s OK, I  don’t trust U.S. intelligence, anyway.

Official: Likewise, sir.  So, shall we dispense with the briefing then?

Trump: No, I’d like to hear what you have.  There are some things I’d like to find out.

Official: OK, let’s get–

Trump: –Crooked Hillary is the one who really can’t be trusted.  She has lax security with her classified emails and that got that Iranian nuclear scientist killed.

Official: That last part is not true sir.  The Iranians were well aware of that scientist before her emails came out.

Trump: Well, just don’t send her any classified emails.  She won’t properly protect them.

Official: We won’t sir.

Trump: OK, let’s get on with it.  What does Putin say about me privately?

Official: Sir?

Trump: Putin, he’s said very nice things about me publicly — that I’m very intelligent and capable.  Does he say nice things about me in private, too?

Official: Not exactly.

Trump: But he likes me, doesn’t he?  He said he likes me.  I bet he did!

Official: Yes, he does like you, but —

Trump: –But what?  What do you mean?  What did he say, what did he say?

Official: He said you’re like a puppet — easy to control.

Trump: No, that’s not right!  Puppets aren’t easy to control!  Maybe a hand puppet, but not one of those string puppets.  They’re hard as hell to control.  What are they called — Marie Antoinettes?

Official: Marionettes.

Trump: Whatever.  The strings get all tangled up.

Official: But not for a master puppeteer like Putin.  He’s an old KGB hand, used to serving as the controller for agents in the west. He thinks he can manipulate you.

Trump: I don’t believe you!  He didn’t say that!

Official: He did.

Trump: You’re just saying that because you’re jealous.  You like him too — but he likes ME!

Official: Yes, he does like you, but he says he’s playing you like a piano.

Trump: I have a piano.  A beautiful Steinway Grand.  The best!  Absolutely gorgeous!  It is so polished and shiny you can see yourself in it.  It’s like looking in a mirror.  When I look at it, I see a magnificent, handsome face!

Official:  Anyway, Putin says you’re so predictable, like a 14-year old girl — he can push your buttons and get you to agree to anything he wants.

Trump:  Well, then he doesn’t know much about 14-year old girls.  They are totally unpredictable and impossible to control.  Ask any parent. So that means I am unpredictable, which is what I want in foreign policy.  What did he say about Crooked Hillary?

Official: That she’s got a big set of balls.

Trump: That may well be.  Maybe that’s why Bill strays so much.  Let me ask you something I’ve always wondered.

Official: What is that?

Trump: Bill Clinton. How does he do it?

Official: Do what?

Trump: That guy gets more tail than me, doesn’t he?

Official: We can’t really say.

Trump: But you know, don’t you?  So how does he do it?  I’ve never understood that.  He’s got that goofy Arkansas accent.  His voice sounds like he’s gonna croak any minute.  He’s got weird hair.

Official: (coughs)

Trump: I know, I know.  But I had great hair before I got older and had to do this weave.  Just look at photos of him when he was younger — his hair looked like a bunch of springs stuck in a pin cushion.

Official: That’s really not–

Trump: –So how does he do it?  Some woman just claimed he’d had 2000 conquests.  That’s even more than me.  I need some intel on this.  What am I missing?

Official: I can’t really get into that.  It’s more of a Secret Service matter.

Trump: That would be some really useful information.  Every man in America would like to know his secret.

Official: I guess that’s why the Secret Service handles that.

Trump: And now, he’s gotten all skinny, too.  It just doesn’t look right.  Like that skinny Al Sharpton.  He’s not half the man he used to be.  He looks like the undertaker and the corpse at the same time.  Or that weather guy on the Today Show — what’s his name?

Official: Al Roker.

Trump:  Yeah, Al Roker.  Weird how two black guys named Al used to be chubby and then got skinny all of a sudden.

Official: Back to the briefing —

Trump: Yeah.  Was it true about Kennedy — that he had women two at a time, Fiddle and Faddle or whatever?

Official:  Again, the Secret Service would know about that.

Trump:  And does that tunnel still exist in the White House, where they used to sneak them in and out without the First Lady knowing?  I’ve got to look into that.

Official: Can we fill you in on hot spots around the globe?

Trump: Oh, you mean like the hottest clubs where the beautiful people go — the Beckhams, JLo, ScarJo , Selena Gomez — what a hot little tamale she turned out to be, right?

Official: No, trouble spots that we’re keeping an eye on.

Trump:  Oh.  I guess so.  But make it snappy.  I don’t have much time.

Official:  ISIS has been taking a pounding, our airstrikes have them on the run and friendly forces are recapturing more and more of their territory.

Trump: I always said we should bomb the shit outta them!

Official:  Well, that’s been going on for some time sir, even before you raised it in the campaign.  We are also crippling them financially.

Trump:  Sonofabitch — you mean that Obama and John Allen and all of them actually knew what they were doing?

Official: Yes sir.

Trump: Goddammit!  This is very disturbing.

Official: But we’re beating ISIS.

Trump: Yes, but it doesn’t fit into my narrative that our leaders are weak and not very smart and only I can save the day.

Official: And in the Ukraine.

Trump: What about that, more bad news?

Official: Yes sir.  That list of secret payments that’s been leaked appears to be legitimate.

Trump: And Manafort?

Official: He was in it up to his eyeballs, sir.

Trump: Then I’ll have to drop him like a hot potato.  It’s always best to cut your losses when things are going south, fellahs.  Let others get caught holding the bag.  A little free business advice for you.

Official: Thank you sir.

Trump: Normally, you’d have to pay thousands of dollars at one of my seminars for that sort of keen business insight, but I’ll give that one to you for free.

Official: Thanks.  But don’t you have a reputation for being loyal and sticking with folks?

Trump: My folks, like Lewandowski, for as long as I could, at least.  But Manafort was thrust upon me by those who said I needed an inside hand to avoid getting rolled at the convention.

Official: And that worked out pretty well for you, sir.

Trump: It did.  He served his purpose — I got the nomination.  But he’s a liability now, and I can’t afford to keep him around.  I’ll can his ass tomorrow.

Official: Then we have a few more issues in the Middle East, and then we’d like to turn to Asia and Africa.

 Trump: Gents, I’d love to continue this, but I’ve gotta get going.  Christie’s stomach is growling, and he gets very belligerent if we don’t take him on a McDonald’s run soon.  

Official: But sir–

Trump: –I think I’ve got the gist of it, and you’ll be by next week to fill me in some more, right?

Official:  Yes sir.

Trump:   And when you do, there’s a couple of things I’d like you to focus on.

Official:  Sir?

Trump:  Where’s Jimmy Hoffa buried?  I hope it’s not in the foundation of one of my buildings.  I heard the Meadowlands, but I never saw that when I owned that USFL team.  Also, did Marilyn Monroe really kill herself, or was it a murder/cover-up . . .?