For the next 17 days, Americans by the millions will be glued to their TVs and other electronic devices following in earnest obscure sports that they cared not a lick about for the past 3.658 years (according to the Romanian judge) and which will recede once again from their consciousness by the end of August.  In light of recent traumatic and divisive events, there may be some value in something all Americans can get behind, with “spontaneous” chants in support of airport security screeners (“TSA, TSA, TSA . . .”) and even sappy platitudes inevitably spouting from announcers, like “We are all Americans here today.”

All this, plus Bob Costas, who packs an impressive amount of pomposity into a tiny body, and who is best known for giving all of America a huge stink eye at the last Olympics.   Watching him age terribly beneath his implausibly dyed hair, like a latter day Jim McKay, is a sad sight, indeed.

The basic Olympic events are derived from the ancient Greeks, with various sport-like activities being added over the years.  Only those involving professional leagues/tours (basketball, tennis, golf, soccer) hold any significant interest outside of the Olympic games.  In order to heighten ratings for the Olympics and throughout the year, perhaps the IOC should consider replacing the more obscure sports with events that the average person can relate to, and the athletes could actually put to good use in their everyday lives:

Bus Dash –A 1/8 mile sprint to bus through traffic and across a busy street. Must get there before the bus pulls away, and must have farecard/cash ready for payment.

Gymnastics – First Event — contort your body as you weave your way through a crowded bus/subway car from the middle to the exit door — pushing past those who stand in the doorway and others those who block the doors on the subway platform — and get off before bus/subway pulls away.

Gymnastics – Second Event — sitting in the aisle seat of airplane, with your seatbelt fastened, dodge the barrage of backpacks, duffel bags, oddly shaped items and wheelies that are aimed by boarding passengers at your feet, knees, shoulders and head. Employs reverse boxing scoring system — points are awarded for the number of blows avoided, minus the number that are landed.

Modern Steeplechase (Airplane Connection) —  Start off from last row of a crowded plane at the furthest gate on one concourse, get your carry-on luggage from beneath the seat in front of you and the overhead bin, work your way through a disconcertingly narrow aisle, go up the jetway, look for the departing flights monitor and locate your connecting gate, run to next flight (which is at the farthest end of the most remote concourse) while wheeling/carrying two oversized carry-on bags and dodging handicapped carts, families walking five abreast, confused foreigners and senior citizens, and dawdling teenagers who are texting on their phones.  Make sure you have your boarding pass ready for the next scanner.  If you used an electronic boarding pass, make sure your phone doesn’t die.  After arriving at the next gate sit/stand, charge phone, check messages, board in the 5th boarding group and find overhead bin space, stow luggage, and squeeze into your seat, which is also in the last row.  Electronically timed event from the moment the first seat belt is unbuckled till the second one is buckled.  Points off for unbuckling before the captain has turned off the seat belt light.

Weight event —  Pack wheelies/duffel bags/backpacks with the greatest possible volume/weight and stuff them into overhead bins in the fastest time possible.  Careful, breaking the bin door results in a 100-pound penalty!

Take-out Shuffle — Starting in a take-out sandwich shop, balance as many take-out containers and fountain drinks as you can, grab some napkins and straws, open the eatery door with your butt or feet, move down a crowded sidewalk and across two busy streets, and go into your office building through a revolving or hand-opened door (points off for using the handicapped door) and up the steps or into the elevator (pushing the button for your floor with your elbow) and deliver the food, un-spilled, to your co-workers in the conference room.

Baby carry — take your infant out of his/her car seat, enter a convenience store, and using either a handheld basket or just your free hand, get 2 grocery bags worth of food, one of which must be a gallon of milk or a six-pack, pay for the food, exit the store, open your car door and deposit the food in the car and baby in the car seat, and drive home and get everything safely in the house.  Points off for forgetting the baby at any stage or if the bags of food tip over and contents fall out in the parking lot, car or your walkway.

Morning Pet Poop Scoop — wearing business attire, walk 3 dogs on leashes around the block, picking up all poop in a plastic bag without getting any on your hands or clothes or getting tangled up in the leashes of the dogs as they swirl around in different directions.  Points off for every dog that doesn’t actually poop, and for bringing the poop bag into the house instead of depositing it in your outside garbage can.