“Republicans are always trying to tell you we need to be guided by what the Founding Fathers originally intended — as if they know!  But I do — because I was there!

“I have always related well to young people.  And as I said to young Tom Jefferson, when he was drafting the Declaration of Independence, ‘People should be happy.  That’s their right.’  He said he’d pursue that — and he did!

“I can tell you that there was no consideration whatsoever that assault weapons, A-15s, and what have you, would be covered by the Second Amendment.  Muskets — now that’s a different matter.  They were clearly in the minds of the Founding Fathers, and they are clearly protected by the amendment.

“And the Tea Party.  They could not stand taxation without representation, as you know.  And if the real Tea Party were here today, they would be the first group in line to press for statehood for the District of Columbia.  Wouldn’t that be something — the real Tea Party versus the Artificial Tea Party!

“Today, we hear a lot about the 1 percenters, the 2 percenters, the 98 percenters, but I was there for a dark day in American history, when the 60 percenters were actually in the Constitution.  African Americans only counted as three-fifths of a person in the census and congressional representation.  Disgraceful.

“And it got worse, when the Supreme Court ruled that black Americans were only property.  That was such a bad decision that it is the only time that a Supreme Court case has gone down in history with a commentary on just how bad the decision was right there in its name.  It is always called the ‘Dread’ Scott decision, not just the ‘Scott’ decision — and rightly so.

“I love American literature. But I told Melville, ‘Don’t be so explicit.  You should call your book, Moby Schwanz or Eggplant — be a bit more subtle.  Moby Dick is just vulgar, like a rap song.’  He didn’t listen to me.  Moby Dick went on to become a big hit, and the decline in American values began right there.  First time a famous man talked about size in public, and it’s been downhill ever since.

“I said to Abraham Lincoln — by the way, I thought he was Jewish — who calls their kid Abe if they’re not Jewish?  I said to Abe, ‘Cut out the part about “the world will little note, nor long remember.”  Trust me, the world will remember what you say here in Gettysburg today.’  He didn’t listen.  ‘I think a little self-deprecating irony would be good here, don’t you?’ he replied.

“Sam Clemmons, was a great friend.  In fact, he wanted to call one of his books ‘A Vermont Jew in King Arthur’s Court,’ but I told him that might not sell too well.  He should probably try something more WASPish, like a patrician from Connecticut.  It turned out to be a big hit for him.

Teddy Roosevelt — now there was a rugged, dashing man. It’s hard to believe he was older than Franklin, who always seemed so frail and feeble.   I told Teddy to stop saying ‘Bully!’ all the time.  ‘A president should be presidential.  You never know how that will be interpreted, and you don’t want to encourage a bully in the White House.’  And now look who we’ve got running for office!