President Trump and President Putin held their first sit-down summit since Trump took office in a tough guy bar in Slovenia.  They shook hands, and then had this conversation:

Putin: Your hands are indeed, very large, but surprisingly soft.  I was told you worked in construction . . .?

Trump: I supervise guys who work in construction. I don’t go out and pour the concrete and lay the bricks myself.  You are somewhat shorter than I envisioned.  You cast such a large shadow on the world stage, I thought you’d be taller.

Putin: The amateur psychologists like to say I have a Napoleanic Complex.   But I have no desire to lose a devastating, humiliating campaign in Russia, I can tell you that.

Trump:   Whenever I hear your name, I think of french fries smothered in gravy.

Putin: That’s a new one.  Usually I get Rasputin — the man they couldn’t kill in 5 attempts.   Keep that in mind!

Trump:  Actually, every time I see you, I picture your head on a cracker, and “Putin on a Ritz” runs through my head.

Putin: What is that on top of your head?

Trump:   A living embodiment of America.  Haven’t you ever heard of “Amber waves of grain?

Putin: What is that you use to plaster it to the side of you head — is that bear semen?

Trump:  Hair gel.

Putin: Very manly.

Trump: You keep your hair close-cropped.  Is that to mask your own baldness?

Putin: In a manner of speaking.

Trump:  I prefer to grow mine long and wrap it around my head several times like a bowl full of spaghetti.  It’s a challenge I enjoy every morning.

Putin:  You advocate building a wall on your border with a neighboring country to keep them out.  I take a different approach.

Trump:  What’s that?

Putin:  I want to build a wall on the far border of my neighbors — Ukraine, Georgia, Lithuania, Latvia, Estonia — and say they are now part of Russia!  Maybe, I’ll even throw Poland in there!

Trump:  That would be pretty funny if I built a wall between Mexico and Guatemala.    The border is shorter.  Maybe I could get Mexico to pay for it.  There’s a lot of cheap labor down there . . .

Putin:  I saw a new movie last night, called Trumbo — about a man who was blacklisted by Hollywood for being a communist and couldn’t put his own name on any movies he wrote.  Very curious.

Trump:  Why’s that?

Putin:  First, why would you punish someone for being a communist?  Where I grew up, you did the opposite — punish those who are not communist!

Trump:  I can see you doing that — just ruling your country.

Putin:  And second, if you want to punish someone for belonging to the wrong party, what is this blacklist — why not just kill them?

Trump:  I admire the way you think.  That’s a great approach.  I bet it works equally well for a member of the wrong party and a journalist who asks uncomfortable questions!

Putin:  That is true.

Trump:  I am in negotiations right now for a movie about my life.  But we can’t figure out a title — or the right angle, since everyone already knows so much about me.

Putin:  How about “Trumpo”?

Trump:  That’s brilliant — I love it!

Putin:  Instead of a guy who is blacklisted, you can be the guy who is white-listed — and has to put his name on everything he builds!

Trump:  And even things I don’t build, like golf courses I buy or ties or suits I license from China.  I like it.

Putin: Want to go ride some horses bare back?

Trump: Without a saddle?

Putin: No, without any shirts — it is very invigorating.

Trump: I think I’ll have to decline.

Putin:      Why, is there a problem?  Don’t you want to be seen next to me without a shirt on?   People might compare . . .?

Trump:  There’s no problem.  I don’t take my pants off in public either, but there is absolutely no problem there — I can assure you of that!

Putin: I like to be unpredictable.

Trump:  Me too!  It keeps your enemies — not to mention your staff — on their toes!

Putin:  Shall we toast each other with shots of vodka, or shots to start a nuclear Armageddon — it’s all the same to me!

Trump: It is the same to me as well!

They clink glasses.