Donald Trump gave a serious foreign policy speech (we know it was serious, and about foreign policy, because that is apparently the only time Trump uses a teleprompter.  Under those terms, every casual remark by President Obama  should be deemed momentous, right?   Trump wanted to set a properly presidential tone, so he chose the hotel  where Elliott Spitzer dallied with a hooker.

Trump’s speech stressed the themes of making America great again and making America first again.  In a stunningly oblivious half-minute passage, he evoked unfortunate echoes of pre-World War II pro-Nazi isolationists in the use of the phase America First, by stating that “America first will be the major and overriding theme of my administration,” and then seconds later touted the exact opposite approach in highlighted one of America’s greatest achievements in defeating the Nazis: “In the 1940s we saved the world. The greatest generation beat back the Nazis and Japanese imperialists.”  He did so with no apparent sense of irony.

Even putting aside for a moment the yin and yang of invoking both pro- and anti-Nazi sentiments in virtually the same breath, making America first a second time around does not seem ground breaking.

“Our rivals no longer respect us,” Trump said. “In fact, they are just as confused as our allies, but an even bigger problem is that they don’t take us seriously anymore.”  Certainly, our adversaries will seriously respect a leader who wears a Trumpunzel ‘do and whines and complains when he thinks that a reporter is asking him questions that are too tough about his own past statements.

“At the same time, your friends need to know that you will stick by the agreements that you have with them. You’ve made that agreement, you have to stand by it and the world will be a better place.”  True enough.  Then Trump completely undercut this unassailable position by saying that we should renounce our trade agreements and our strategic alliances.  That will certainly restore trust and respect among our allies.

While the speech was widely panned in the U.S. except by those affiliated with Trump, Russia was another story.  From Putin to men on the street, Russians praised the speech.    No surprise since Trump and Putin have had something of a bromance, with Trump apparently swooning because Putin called him “bright.”  That is a way to strike fear into adversaries and make them respect us.

As to the substance of the speech,  the thrust of the Trump Doctrine appears to retreat from our foreign commitments like a skittish turtle withdrawing into its shell.  But it will be a hard shell, to protect us from outside forces. In order to reinforce this approach visually, Trump’s staff is going to supply him with a pair of tortoise shell glasses, that he can don like the fake Clark Kent glasses Rick Perry used to wear when he wanted to look smart.

When questioned about the prudence of his turtle-like “strength through withdrawal” approach, Trump said, “Haven’t you ever heard of the Giant Tortoises of the Galapagos?  They are one of the greatest living mammals on the planet — huge, adaptable, and they live forever — just like America will do when I am elected President!”  Informed that, while individual tortoises (which are reptiles, not mammals), indeed lived long lives — averaging 100 years, with reports of up to 150 years or more, they were, as a group, endangered, Trump replied, “When I’m president, we’ll abolish the endangered species list!”

“And besides, these mammals are just incredible, and I don’t just say that when I’m in Maryland, whose state school’s mascot is the Terrapin, which is a type of turtle — did you know that?  I do, because I am very bright — there’s no disputin’ that –and I went to the Wharton School, which is a top business school in Pennsylvania and just across the border from Maryland.

“And didn’t you ever hear of the tale of the tortoise and the hare?  The hare thought it was very clever like our so-called foreign policy experts, but it got too smart for itself and didn’t adapt to the real world very well and got beaten — by the turtle.

“Anyway, Galapagos is where Darwin did his research, and the tortoise was very key to it, and it is very adaptable — not that I want to push the Theory of Evolution on anyone, particularly those “evangelicals” I have been courting so hard.  I do believe in social Darwinism, though: Survival of the Fittest — and the fetus!  That should make those “evangelicals” happy, because I am so pro-life, absolutely pro-life.”

“What’s that you say, if withdrawal is a sign of strength, does that mean that the 15 other Republican candidates who withdrew from the race are stronger than me?   No, of course not.  Only the strong survive, and that’s me!”

Strong, unless approached by a reporter with a pen, of course, because the pen could be a bomb and the Secret Service which supposedly “is not liking” it, did not even flinch, much less disable the “attacking reporter,” so Trump’s campaign manager had to spring into action.  Talk about the pen being mightier than the sword!

So, to sum up, America will stand tall in the saddle again, only if led by a whining, complaining man, who threatens to sue or press charges anytime he feels someone treats him unfairly, who has been likened to a 5-year old, with a “He started it!” mentality, and who fawns over a tyrant who pays him a modest compliment.  That must be a winning recipe, because within a week of his speech, Trump had vanquished his last remaining opponents for the GOP nomination.