“I was very interested to learn that one of our Founding Fathers — a great, great Founding Father — Thomas Jefferson, had created his own version of the Bible.  He cut out the parts that he didn’t like.  He didn’t add anything; I’m not sure if that was because he wasn’t a particularly good writer, or because he didn’t have a word processor back then.

“Since I have a computer — or to be more accurate, I have people who do-I can’t type a lick myself- I use the hunt and peck method- I’m a hunt and pecker – no, that’s not true, I mainly use the hunt and destroy method — I thought I should give it a try to improve the Bible.  I mean, I know it’s the inspired Word of God and everything, and I’m a devoted Christian–nobody is more devoted to Christianity than me– but anything can be improved on, right?  I mean anything but one of my buildings, or my magnificent ties.

“And it will be very presidential to do this — how much more presidential can you get than Jefferson, founding father, drafter of the Declaration of Independence, third president!

“So here goes:

The Challenge of a Rich Man

Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.’ Matthew 19.24; also Mark 10.25 and Luke 18.25

“Oh boy.  This seems totally backwards.  I think I can fix this.  Let’s change it to:  ‘. . .  it is easier for a needle to go through the eye of a camel than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.’   That I can handle.  I think I can put a needle through the eye of a camel, right?  That should be easy.  Just don’t tell PETA — they’ll crucify me!

 “Let’s try another:

Reacting to Violence

If anyone strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also; and from anyone who takes away your coat do not withhold even your shirt. Luke 6.29.

“Now this is crazy.  Are you telling me that if your enemy hits you, you can’t hit’em back?  You’re supposed to let them hit you again.  That is suicide.  Let’s see if I can fix that.  How about:  ‘If anyone strikes you on the cheek, hit’em back twice as hard — then they’ll get the message not to mess with you.’

“Now for the guy who steals your coat.  I have to tell you, I’d give the shirt off my back to a friend in need.  I would — and it’s a very nice shirt, too — a Trump shirt.  And when I am president, I am going to talk to the head of the company about having those shirts manufactured in the U.S.  I really don’t have any influence now as the CEO of the company, but when I’m President of the whole country, I will get something done about it, believe me, I will.  But I’ll be damned if I’m going to give one of my signature shirts to a guy who robs me, I can tell you that.  I think we should reword this one a little: ‘from anyone who takes away your coat, call the cops before he tries to take your shirt, too.’

“And I have to tell you, the police in our country do a magnificent job.  They have a very, very tough job, and they do it beautifully.  And they are under-appreciated.  They are not appreciated enough, just like our vets.  But that will all change when I am president.  We will become a police state — proudly supporting our police!”

The Good Samaritan

^“30Jesus replied, ‘A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell into the hands of robbers, who stripped him, beat him, and went away, leaving him half dead.³¹Now by chance a priest was going down that road; and when he saw him, he passed by on the other side. ³²So likewise a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. ³³But a Samaritan while travelling came near him; and when he saw him, he was moved with pity. ³⁴He went to him and bandaged his wounds, having poured oil and wine on them. Then he put him on his own animal, brought him to an inn, and took care of him. ³⁵The next day he took out two denarii, gave them to the innkeeper, and said, “Take care of him; and when I come back, I will repay you whatever more you spend. ³⁶Which of these three, do you think, was a neighbour to the man who fell into the hands of the robbers?’ ³⁷He said, ‘The one who showed him mercy.’ Jesus said to him, ‘Go and do likewise.’” Luke 10.29-42

“OK, now this one could be really dangerous.  Who would teach their kids to do this?  I think it should read, ‘If you see someone who looks half dead by the side of the road, call the police or Homeland Security.  They’re probably a terrorist, and they may just be playing dead.  Or they may be just drunk or stoned out of their mind.  Don’t get involved.'”

Who Wins the Ultimate Battle?

“Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.”  Matthew 5.5

“This is crazy — how can being meek let you survive, much less inherit the earth?  Let’s just change ‘meek’ to ‘bold.'”

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.”  Matthew 5.9

“Peacemakers??  Like that wimpy John Kerry, appeasing Iran??  What a terrible deal that was!”  I would have negotiated a much better deal, and I would have gotten our hostages back.  Maybe this was a typo, and it was supposed to be ‘pacemakers.'”

“You are the light of the world. A city built on a hill cannot be hidden.”   Matthew 5. 14

“Didn’t Ronald Reagan say that?  I knew he was a great man, but for something he said to wind up in the Bible is very impressive.”

“You have heard that it was said to those of ancient times, “You shall not murder”; and “whoever murders shall be liable to judgment.” ²²But I say to you that if you are angry with a brother or sister,^* you will be liable to judgment; and if you insult^* a brother or sister,^* you will be liable to the council; and if you say, “You fool”, you will be liable to the hell^* of fire.” Matthew 5.21

“I don’t think I’m angry, do you?  The media says I’m tapping into the anger of the American public, but I don’t see that.  I’m channeling their frustration into action at the ballot box, not violence.”  I don’t know that I’ve ever called anyone a fool.  Idiots, maybe, but not fool.”

 “It was also said, “Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.” ³²But I say to you that anyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of unchastity, causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”   Matthew 5. 31

“Whoops, I think this one’s gotta go.”

“Again, you have heard that it was said to those of ancient times, “You shall not swear falsely, but carry out the vows you have made to the Lord.” ³⁴But I say to you, Do not swear at all, either by heaven, for it is the throne of God, ³⁵or by the earth, for it is his footstool, or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the great King. ³⁶And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make one hair white or black. ³⁷Let your word be “Yes, Yes” or “No, No”; anything more than this comes from the evil one.^“  Matthew 5. 33

“That’s why I didn’t want to take the Republican Party loyalty pledge at first.  I think my pledge at my rallies to vote for me is totally different, don’t you?”

Economic Model

All who believed were together and had all things in common; they would sell their possessions and goods and distribute the proceeds to all, as any had need.  Acts 2:44-45

“Whoa — this is in the Bible?  I thought it was from Karl Marx or Lenin or something.  Maybe Bernie Sanders.  This sounds like communism or socialism.”

How to Treat the Aliens in Your Country

“You shall not wrong or oppress a resident alien, for you were aliens in the land of Egypt.” Exodus 22.21

 “The alien who resides with you shall be to you as the citizen among you; you shall love the alien as yourself, for you were aliens in the land of Egypt: I am the Lord your God.” Leviticus 19.34

” Every third year you shall bring out the full tithe of your produce for that year, and store it within your towns; ²⁹the Levites, because they have no allotment or inheritance with you, as well as the resident aliens, the orphans, and the widows in your towns, may come and eat their fill so that the Lord your God may bless you in all the work that you undertake.”   Deuteronomy 14.28-29

“When you have finished paying all the tithe of your produce in the third year (which is the year of the tithe), giving it to the Levites, the aliens, the orphans, and the widows, so that they may eat their fill within your towns.”  Deuteronomy 26.12

“You shall allot it as an inheritance for yourselves and for the aliens who reside among you and have begotten children among you. They shall be to you as citizens of Israel; with you they shall be allotted an inheritance among the tribes of Israel. In whatever tribe aliens reside, there you shall assign them their inheritance, says the Lord God.”  Ezekiel 47.22-23

“And God spoke in these terms, that his descendants would be resident aliens in a country belonging to others, who would enslave them and maltreat them for four hundred years.” Acts of the Apostles 7.6

“Jesus Christ, there’s a lot in the Bible about treating aliens well and taking care of them and feeding them and treating them as citizens.  I had no idea.  And I’m as conversant with the Bible as anyone.  I don’t see any way around this.  It’s pretty clear.  I’ve had my lawyers look at it and it looks air tight — a clear directive from God to treat the aliens as your own. . . . There’s only one way to respond — I gotta go full Jefferson on these passages and just cut’em outta the Bible.”

© 2016 by Brutal Publicist LLC