“Thank you.  Thank you.  It’s a wonderful night — for me, for the Republican Party, and America.  Like I always say, ‘You can’t spell T-R-I-U-M-P-H without T-R-U-M-P!!’  Am I right?  Of course I am!.

“I just had a congratulatory call from the Democratic candidate, Bernie Sanders, who was very gracious and obsequious in defeat.  I also congratulated him on carrying the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico — which was much better than I thought he would do — but I don’t think those votes count in the Electoral College, do they?

“I would like to thank my running mate, the lovely and beautiful Kim Kardashian, who will make an absolutely great, great Vice President.  Here’s a woman who, with nothing more than a pretty face and a formidable ass has built herself a virtual fashion empire — clothing, accessories, perfume, you name it.  That is talent.  I have assured her that she can still charge $500,000 for each appearance she makes.  And as my Vice President, I use her as my liaison to the blacks, particularly sports and entertainment figures, for whom she has a special affinity.  Her pet project will be vapid transit, and she will work with my secretary of transportation on that issue.

“Speaking of which, I don’t want to sound like I was overconfident going into Election Day, but I would like to introduce my Cabinet tonight.  I know that’s a little unusual, and President Elects typically like to draw it out and create some drama, but let’s face it, running against Bernie only took about 10 percent of my attention, so I had plenty of opportunity to think about the people who will serve with me.  They’re all here tonight and I’d like to introduce them one by one:

“Secretary of Defense — Bill Belichick.  Nobody takes away an opponent’s best offensive weapon like Belichick.  The man’s a genius.  As a New Yorker, I know, and it pains me to admit it, but he is the best and I represent the entire country now, so I had to get him to work for me.  I just had to.  And as long as the other countries don’t have Eli Manning leading their aerial attack — sorry Bill, but that’s true, it’s true — we will be in great, great shape.

“Secretary of State — Chris Christie.  He already runs a state, so it should be a smooth transition.  He will be yuuge in the job. Much better than those pantywaists John Kerry and Hillary Clinton, let me tell you.  Christie knows how to get back at his enemies — and he’ll do the same to America’s enemies.  You may not know this, but he was a U.S. Attorney on 9/11.  It’s a little known fact that he doesn’t like to talk about much, but it’s true

“Attorney General —  David Petraeus.  I know some of you may think this is an unusual choice, but think about it. People always appoint an attorney, but they forget about the General part of Attorney General!  Well I don’t.  I’m very strong on the military — very very strong.  And when you formally address the Attorney General, you don’t call him Attorney Smith — you’re supposed to say, ‘General Smith.”  And General Petraeus has a nice ring to it, and he’s my kinda guy.

“Secretary of the Treasury — Vince McMahon.  Vince knows how to make money, and he knows how to build an organization.  He is a true success story — the embodiment of the American Dream.  He inherited a company worth a few million dollars from his dad and he turned it into a billion dollar industry.  He crushed everyone in his path.  And he gave his daughter a prominent role in the company.  I think that’s a story we can all relate to — I know I can.

“Head of OMB — the great Carl Icahn.  First off, we’re going to change the name from OMB to OMG.  He’s going to do such great things, you’re going to say, ‘OMG — how did he do that?!’  Carl is known for cutting jobs at every company he’s run, and he’ll do the same for the federal workforce.  By the way, the word ‘iconic’ is derived from Carl’s name — that’s how great he is and how much stature he has in the business community.  If I weren’t me, I’d be Carl Icahn.  I know some of you are worried that Carl is old — but he’s a young 81 — very very young.  But if he passes on, I’ll just appoint Fred Armisen in his place.  He looks just like him.  Nobody will ever know.

“Chief of Staff — Lorne Michaels.  Lorne knows how to deal get input from a bunch of folks with big egos, adjust on the fly, and somehow pull it all together for a great result.  I’ve worked with him before, and I know he’ll do wonders for the policy-making process at the White House.

“Secretary of Labor — Megyn Kelly.  I know we’ve had our differences, but if Obama can appoint Hillary to be a Secretary, I can appoint Megyn.  I always said she would make a much better secretary than a news reporter.  And Labor — now there’s a job for a woman.  ‘No man can ever understand what it’s like to go through labor ‘– isn’t that what they’re always telling us?  Well, this job is perfect for a woman — secretary and labor.

“Secretary of Health and Human Services — Gov. Chris Crispie.  Did I say Crispie?  I meant Christie.  You can’t really blame me though — every time I see Christie, I’m thinkin’ Krispy Kreme doughnuts.  And I bet he is too!  You can be sure that kids in school will be having much tastier lunches with Chris in charge than when Michelle Obama was promoting “healthy” lunches that tasted like cardboard.  What’s that — why did I name Christie to two cabinet posts?  Well, people wondered how I got him to endorse me, and then stand behind me like a lawn jockey at my victory press conference — now you know!  He’s big enough to do both jobs.  Chris will be large and in charge!

“So there’s my cabinet.  What — you think I left some things out?  Well I didn’t.  I’m abolishing all of the other departments. And one more thing:  President Obama — ya fired!”

© 2016 by Brutal Publicist LLC